The Internet overflows with jokes and memes about men who can’t give women orgasms because they can’t find the clitoris. It’s an amusing trope, but I don’t find it as funny as most people do. I know there are millions of women out there who never had an orgasm, not with their partner and not on their own.
Today, I want to unpack why orgasmic sex can be so elusive for women.
The Negative Self-Narrative
Perhaps the single biggest block to sexual pleasure for women is how they view their bodies. I don’t just mean the snippy social judgments that scrutinize women’s weight and body parts or the endless advertisers pushing products to fix flaws you never even knew you had. I’m talking about how women feel insecure about their looks overall and various body parts in particular.
For many women, negative inner dialogue is a constant stream. Messages about their teeth, hair, body odor, weight, and skin constantly break through their thoughts, invaded by ads and social media night and day.
The massive advertising con-job we’ve run on female beauty, stressing that only this kind of hair or that kind of lipstick can bring you the dates you want, or that owning the right dress or the perfect purse will make others envy you, builds to a level of insecurity that makes girls and women significantly underrate how attractive they are. That negative message impacts both their desire for sex and their shyness and anxiety that they won’t be “good enough” to keep someone interested in them.
Negativity Leads to Inauthenticity
Over the course of my career, I’ve noticed that anorgasmic women all had this one thing in common: they uniformly blamed themselves for being inadequate. One told me she didn’t feel “woman enough” to complete the experience, and another said that it was her fault her husband was cheating on her. Another could give her husband orgasms, but she never had one, with or without him. She felt he used her like a bag of meat to satisfy himself, and yet she did not want to divorce “for the sake of the children.” (Note: she stayed with him even after the kids left.)
In a sex-negative and increasingly misogynistic society, it is not surprising that women will (a) automatically assume that they are the cause of sex problems, (b) rush to self-judgment about what is causing the issue, and (c) build resentment against their partner because they remain romantically and erotically unfulfilled.
Two Types of Anorgasmia
Trauma-Based
Trauma—whether from abuse, assault, or early shaming—shapes sexual response in ways that deserve their own conversation. In adults, trauma interferes with intimacy and physical pleasure, orgasm, ability to perform, and reproduction. If you’re carrying those wounds, please know they’re real, they matter, and healing is possible.
But today, I’m focusing on the women who’ve never experienced trauma and still can’t reach orgasm. Because even without injury, millions of women struggle to feel at peace with sex.
Non-Traumatic
Liliana
My client Liliana never had an orgasm, not alone nor with her husband. There was nothing in her history to suggest physical trauma, no significant dramas or illnesses, a loving family. Her husband was loving as well, and eager to do what he could.
Raised with extremely conservative beliefs, she was a naive virgin until her wedding night, when her mother patted her arm and said, “Just do what he wants, and it’ll be fine.” In her country, she had no access to sex education books or other materials that explained how to “do it.” She confessed that she never felt as empty inside as she did on her wedding night. She didn’t know what to do with his body; she felt awkward touching him, and she flinched when he touched her.
Fortunately for them, their problem was sexual illiteracy. I gave them little exercises in intimacy to slowly build skills and body comfort. As their intimacy improved, they grew adventurous. Their closeness and joy became almost palpable. It turned out they were a great match in bed.
Hannah
My client Hannah was very different. In her mid-30s, Hannah identified as bi and poly. She enjoyed sex for the cuddles, long kisses, and variety of fun, but it never gave her orgasms. She didn’t know why, but at a certain point, no matter how aroused she’d been at the beginning, the excitement would spontaneously drain out of her.
Hannah became an expert orgasm faker, convincing people even better than Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.” It took almost two years of therapy before she could finally acknowledge what she’d known since college: she was a lesbian, and once she embraced that truth, her anorgasmia resolved.
You Are Not Irreparably Broken
If you have never had an orgasm, or if satisfying sex has always felt just out of reach, I want you to hear this directly.
You are not broken. You are not less of a woman. Anorgasmia—whether rooted in shame, inexperience, or mismatched partnerships—can be successfully treated in sex therapy.
Self-Discovery Exercise
Here’s a fun little self-discovery exercise I created for you. It will start you on the path of learning to think critically about sex — and learning more about who you are as a sexual being.
Answer these two questions by following my “thinking points” section underneath. Let’s see what kind of truths you may dig up in the course of doing the exercise. Will these two questions change how you see yourself in bed? Let’s find out!
Ask Yourself These 2 Questions
- When you imagine satisfying sex, whose pleasure are you picturing—yours or theirs?
- How many times have you had sex while thinking about something else entirely?
Now Let’s Think About It
Thinking points for #1: how does your answer make you feel about yourself? How do you feel about your partner? Is it what you expected to feel, or are you surprised? Does your choice reveal something about yourself — or who you are in relation to them?
Thinking points for #2: How do you feel when you realize you’re not present for or actually bored with the sex? Are you distracted by things in the room? Are you worried about someone or something? Did you space out for a few seconds, or is it a pattern in your sex life? Does it say something about the sex you’re having, the person you’re with, or where you are?
It’s About Sexual Intelligence
I just walked you through a short lesson in sexual intelligence. SI is the ability to think about sex clearly. To make sense of it, and to learn how to enhance your enjoyment in life. Do you feel more in touch with yourself? You can always drop me a line to let me know!
If you want to keep getting smarter and more literate about adult pleasure, shop The Pleasure Literacy Emporium and start reading today!
Photo credit: Andrea Piacquadio at Pexels
