How would you like to learn about negotiating a sex-positive dynamic with your partner?
Suppose you are in a relationship with a sex-negative partner. In that case, the first step in changing the dynamic is to attempt to re-negotiate (or negotiate, perhaps for the first time) some positive changes for a better sex life.
You may believe it’s too late to create a new dynamic with new ways of relating to one another. My view on that is two-fold. First, it’s never too late if you and your partner are open to making changes to save the relationship. Second, if either of you feels ready to leave the relationship, you have nothing to lose by attempting to negotiate. Either way, negotiation is worth a try, whether you’re thinking of leaving or hoping to salvage the relationship.
Don’t assume you know how your partner will react. Even when negotiations have previously failed, there is always a chance that if you take a team approach, they may agree to come on board. Based on my clinical outcomes, most adults in loving relationships discover their partners are equally motivated to work on a happier, more fulfilling relationship. Some even agree to things their partner never imagined they would. So let’s unpack how you can negotiate a sex-positive dynamic in your relationship.
Cases in Point
Jaryd’s Story
Jaryd loved his wife but hated his foot fetish. There was a rare angle to it that made him unique: he was wildly turned on when her feet were up in the air. His anxiety about his losing his wife if she knew about his fetish was creating so much stress in his life that his physical and mental health were crumbling. He’d been diagnosed with several stress-related illnesses and was loaded with pills to help. But they didn’t help his anxiety about his fetish. Instead, he fretted that his fetish would end his marriage and separate him from his beloved young children.
I asked if his wife knew about the fetish or had demonized him for it. He said that she had no idea. She was kind and intelligent, a good wife, and he was terrified he would lose her if he told her. He thought his foot fetish, which was admittedly very specific and unusual despite being harmless, would disgust her and change her opinion of him. She might hate him, he thought, and she would certainly leave him.
Course of Action
The first step, of course, was getting him to face his shame and guilt about having a fetish. Learning to normalize it by accepting that he was one of millions of people in the same boat, and helping him to overcome the internalized anxiety over having a fetish, was the first step. He reacted like a severely dehydrating plant finally getting the water it needed. After just a few sessions, he felt fully revived and ready to negotiate. There was one final hurdle: he could not get past the idea that she would divorce him if she knew. He asked if I would consider speaking with her to explain fetish to her the way I had to him.
I agreed and so did she. We met the following week, and the conversation surprised me in all good ways. I slowly worked my way around the topic with her, but she was a smart, kind person and quickly cut to the chase.
“What does he need to be happy?” she asked. “What can I do for him?”
I explained that he had a foot fetish, breaking the news carefully.
“Is that it?” she asked in disbelief. “That’s all he wants? I can do that. I already noticed he loved kissing my feet. I’d do anything to help relieve his stress. We have children and he’s a great dad!”
I filled her in on the details. She felt certain she could accommodate him. She was very much in love with him, and just wanted him to be happier and calm down because of the repercussions to his health.
Her commitment to their marriage was a sweet relief. Clearly, she had a sex-positive attitude that made negotiation easy! After one conversation with her, everything changed for the better. He spoke to me a couple of times more and contacted me a final time a couple of years later. The panic was gone. His health improved. They found a path forward together and grew even closer.
Bryan’s Story
“Bryan.” came to me in despair. After years of browsing the Internet, he had come to realize he could not live without kinky sex. Specifically, he wanted his wife to dominate him. He was certain that if he mentioned it to his wife of 30 years, she would be shocked and angry, and turn him down. He was so afraid, he made the appointment so a therapist could explain it to his wife and serve as a buffer in case he destroyed her opinion of him as a manly man. Both in their late 40s, very straight in their lifestyle, and extremely compatible, he was shaking when he and I both explained his deepest fantasy to her.
“You mean, he wants me to control him in bed and act like he’s my slave?” she asked at the end of the revelation.
“Yes,” I nodded, glancing at Bryan. He was trembling, afraid to make eye contact with either of us.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she turned to him. “We could have been having more fun all these years!”
So that went unexpectedly well! His wife was far more sex-positive than he imagined and ready to negotiate with him. At the end of the session, they were both smiling and holding hands tightly. I heard from him again a few weeks later. His dream had come true. They had attended a BDSM event together after our first session, and she was enjoying the hell out of her new dominant role.
Martin’s Story
I never met “Martin,” a conservative gentleman who called to make an emergency appointment because he was almost ready to cheat on his wife of 30 years.
“We have grandchildren,” he told me emotionally, “I don’t want to break up our family! But I have to try this before I die!!”
We arranged to meet in person in a week’s time. The next day, he called me.
“I couldn’t hold it in,” he told me, “I confessed everything to her, even that I was watching kinky porn, and that I’ve had submissive fantasies my whole life!”
“How did it go?” I asked.
“I can’t believe it but she was enthusiastic about it! She said it was exciting that we would have something new and creative to try at our age. I’m so happy!”
In my practice, the majority of couples have had positive outcomes when both parties were willing to listen and learn from each other. The sex-negative dynamic was the result of both making assumptions about why the other seemed to struggling with sex. With a little coaching, and a lot of honesty, they were able to flip the script to a sex-positive pursuit of mutual pleasure.
Happy Resolutions are Always Possible
Good outcomes aren’t universal, of course. I’ve talked with partners who reacted negatively or felt it was the final straw. This is particularly true when their partner has already gone outside the relationship for fulfillment or tried to manipulate or pressure them into creative sex. But people like that have always been in the minority. In my clinical experience, more partners are invested in working out a liveable compromise.
The only times I’ve witnessed negative responses were from spouses whose partners repeatedly tried to manipulate or push them into a sex act they found repulsive — or when their religious beliefs made them hostile to accommodating unusual desires. Sometimes, they saw therapy as just another form of the same pressure. They were not open to sex-positive progress, with predictably poor outcomes.
Make a Sex-Positive Plan
The first, and best, situation is when both partners agree that your sex life is driving you apart. This is where I typically see the good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly. Some partners may refuse to change anything. A small percentage of people blow up in anger that you are even trying to get them to make a change. In my experience, stable relationships benefit greatly from sex-positive counseling.
If you find yourself needing more sex or more creative sex with your partner, don’t fight about it! That only fuels a negative attitude towards your kin/fetish. The first step is Confronting Internalized Sex Negativity. Once you have explored your inner feelings and put them into words by talking about them with someone you trust, it’s time to create a plan to negotiate new and better rules to help you exit the downward spiral to a sexless relationship.
Plan your strategy, ideally with another person who can provide sensible feedback.
Creating New Sex-Positive Boundaries
The first, sometimes hardest, step is finally coming clean about your fetish to your partner. It’s fairly common that the person who has the kink or fetish projects their own deep shame about being submissive or needing something freaky in bed onto their partner. If you work from a place of shame, you may apologize, make excuses, or act secretive, which only fuels negativity. Instead, aim to build your self-esteem before you rush into conversation.
Don’t Have a Conversation Until You Feel Good About Yourself
Assuming you did take the first step, and have come to a place of peace about your kink/fetish, you are ready to construct a viable, reality-based plan to negotiate a sex-positive relationship.
One good way to start is to ask your partner whether they would make a quid-pro-quo: you will do X for them if they do Y for you. That X should NOT be what you think they want, but rather what they say they want. Don’t be surprised if their answer isn’t what you expected. It happens.
Make sure to listen to their feedback and follow through on it. There may be something they’d like to try or want you to do more often or with more passion. They aren’t the only one who needs to change. Not everyone will jump right in, so you may need to compromise too. Their needs — no matter how vanilla they may be — are important to mutually satisfying sex. Would they enjoy massages? More oral sex? A lot of cuddling? Reciprocity is the stepping stone to a better sex life for you both.
One thing I’ve noticed about fetishists/kinksters is that they brood so much over their cravings they don’t pay enough attention to their partner’s needs. If you’re going to be sex-positive, then be sex-positive about the PARTNERSHIP! Take a team approach. Respect their boundaries.
Tip
Keep it simple at first. They do not need to know every single fantasy you have had or the extreme fantasies you may have developed after watching wild porn. Just ask for the first baby step towards your ultimate desires. Sometimes, you will discover that even a simple thing can be more satisfying with a permanent partner than a wild thing with a stranger because love makes all the difference!
Let Them Know How Happy It Would Make You
Make a positive case for what you want without pressure. For example, more honesty and transparency about sexual needs will make you closer. A better sex life will make you both happier.
This is not the time for recriminations about past behaviors or whining. You want to plant a positive seed that can grow. So let them know you want to do it with them specifically because you love them and that you are happy to indulge their own desires.
Tip
This conversation, awkward though it may be for you both, is intended to bring greater happiness to your sex life. Make sure to convey that positive message: this isn’t about “me,” it’s about “us.”
Make a Plan With Them
Treat your sex life the way you’d treat any plans you make in life. Sex is natural, so act naturally when you negotiate. Don’t say words in whispers, don’t project your fears or shame onto them, and don’t apologize. Instead, talk about what little thing you could try together, and how often you would like to repeat it.
Frequency Matters
Establishing a schedule can be very helpful. It eliminates the pain of “waiting for it to happen” whether at your partner’s whim or when you can’t stand the hunger and start acting out or jumping into the porn rabbit-hole. Break out of that needless kerfuffle by negotiating a good compromise on how often you’ll engage with them, whether it’s a kink/fetish, oral sex, using sex toys, or anything else you crave.
It reduces relationship pressure when you have something to look forward to, knowing it will happen at a designated interval. Would your partner agree to once a week? Every two weeks? Once a month? I once had a client who enjoyed an annual BDSM session with his wife of 50 years and found it fulfilling enough to wait 12 months! Your mileage WILL vary!
Have a full-on discussion with them about frequency until you reach a liveable compromise. And note that BOTH sides should compromise, not just your partner.
Are Books Required?
Some folks think they will find all the answers they need in books. The problem with books is that they are written for diverse audiences, which means they may never address the specific issues you are dealing with. You can hand someone all the kinky books in the world (mine included!) and they may only see it as propaganda to get them to comply with your wishes.
Books are valuable only when they WANT to learn more about how other people do it, and what they recommend. Reading is not required, at least not until someone decides they want to get educated. If they do, and are fond of books, pick your favorite title (make sure it’s a book you’ve read in-depth!) and discuss it with them. You can have a nightly or weekly conversation before bed to see how they feel about what they read. This opens the door to further intimate dialogues.
If they’re amenable to the idea, you can pick out chapters or paragraphs that were especially meaningful to you, and talk to them about why and how those ideas appeal to you.
Take-aways for Negotiating a Sex-Positive Dynamic
- Come from a place of self-confidence, not self-hatred.
- Take a team approach: this isn’t just about you, it is a team effort to build a great sex life
- Nail down the things that matter to you: getting what you need (starting with the minimum), making sure they get something extra out of it too and negotiating a level of frequency that is acceptable to both partners.
- No matter how outrageous your fantasies, don’t forget this is about deepening the love and mutual pleasure through genuine intimacy. An adversarial approach will kill that chance, so let them know that their happiness is as important to you as yours.
photo via Unstable Diffusion
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*This is part 3 of a 5-part series.*
- Sex Negativity in Relationships
- Confronting Internalized Sex Negativity
- Negotiating a Sex-Positive Life
