Most fetishists show up in my practice because the fetish is creating unbearable tension and forced duality in their lives. The pattern is always the same: fights with their partners, accusations of depravity, jealousy over the fetish, and ultimately an impasse. No one will budge, even though it is destroying everything in the relationship.
So today, I’m going to share my clinical experiences with struggling fetish couples.
The Wives
Generally, I see two types of wives of fetishists: the angry wives who want their husbands “to be normal” according to their definition of what a man should be sexually, and the content wives who feel their top priority is to keep a marriage healthy and accept their partner’s fetish.
The angry wives aren’t just rejecting the fetish. They’re defending a sexual script they were handed. They have fixed ideas of what a “real man” wants and how “normal” sex should be. The fetish isn’t the threat. Their worldview is.
The happy wives have reoriented their priority. They focus on the health of their marriage and personal loyalty, not other people’s rules about sex.
Fetish doesn’t actually destroy marriages. People destroy marriages. But, for many, fetish gives them something to blame.
The Angry Wives Club
I have watched the same marital drama play out with variations so minor they barely qualify as differences. When men who are deeply ashamed of their fetish marry women who are disgusted by kink, the relationship becomes an emotional debacle.
Three Key Complaints
The three complaints I hear most often from wives are: “You love your fetish more than you love me,” “If you really loved me, you’d stop wanting it,” “If I’d known, I never would have married you.”
Let’s unpack the negativity.
The Complaints
“You love your fetish more than you love me.” It may look that way because a fetishist may not get fully erect or be able to sustain an erection if there is no interplay with the fetish. His fetish is as much a part of him as his personality or his taste in wine. It’s a natural inclination that is fueled and fed by the joy of playing with his fetish.
A fetish is not a rival. However, it can be weaponized as jealousy turns into resentment and fights.
Between partners who don’t openly communicate and consent, a fetish can become an emotional time bomb. If the fetishist spends a lot of money on gear, watches a lot of porn, and pressures his partner to participate, that partner may well question his loyalty. That can raise a partner’s insecurity. I’ve heard so many wives ask, “Why can’t I be enough?” That feeling is enough to make anyone spiral into emotional chaos.
“If you really loved me, you’d stop wanting it.”
Fetishism is coded into people, inside and out, and usually emerges in puberty. They can suppress desire as adults, but they can’t dispose of it like an old coat. The desire will always be there, whether they act on it or not.
In no way, shape, or form does it mean they don’t love their partners. The reason most fetishists prefer to stay and suffer is that they think it’s better than leaving their family and suffering more. I understand that.
“If I’d known, I never would have married you.”
That’s the ultimate, heart-wrenching blow. But sometimes the fetishists get so absorbed in self-pity, they can’t see the reality of their marriage. Many hide themselves and their quirks so deeply that their wives are in the dark until they stumble on a partner’s toys, or a receipt from Latex R Us. Others are selfishly focused on their own pleasure and ignore their partners’ needs. That is its own kind of nonconsensual sex.
For those who pretend to be someone they are not, life is tough and dreary every single day.
When You Fight Fetish, You Lose
You have every right to be furious with a spouse who deceived you. It’s up to you to stay or leave. Just know that staying does not mean you now have the right to abuse them. I have seen so many wives berate their husbands into stress-related illnesses, while refusing to let them go.
Everyone has the right to pursue personal happiness, and no one should be coerced into performing sex acts that upset them. NO ONE. So I have sympathy for the wives who are frustrated, sometimes betrayed, by their husbands. They’re not always the villains. Some men marry fetish/kink-negative women on purpose, in hopes they will police their sex life and force them to “straighten up and fly right.”
Unfortunately, by blaming all their relationship problems on kink/fetishes, they avoid dealing with painfully mismatched areas of their relationship.
Happy Wives Go to Clubs
The angry wives club is loud. It’s also a minority. For every couple locked in battle over a fetish, there are likely far more fetish couples who worked it out and didn’t need therapy. As noted, most people see me at the worst moments in their lives. So in my practice, I see far more angry wives than happy ones.
Happy wives are accommodating. They also know how to get their own needs fulfilled in their marriage. Solid compromises, lots of negotiating, experimentation, and an open heart keep couples together.
What I can report from clinical observation, though, is that every now and again, a man comes to me because he is carrying shame and has projected it onto his wife. He assumes that because he feels so ashamed of his fetishes or kinks, his wife will surely reject him if she found out. He can no longer endure the burden of guilt he feels for hiding his true needs from her for years, and in one case, for over 40 years.
Two Mini-Case Studies
Two clients really stand out. One hid his spanking fetish from his wife for 20 years. He thought she’d never see him as manly if she knew. The woman he described, though, sounded very kind and fun. We strategized a low-key approach to the revelation. And boom! She didn’t cry or make snotty comments. She thought it sounded creative and fun, and was ready to jump right in. Their relationship rocketed.
Another had a foot fetish and felt tormented because he barely allowed himself to touch or caress his wife’s feet during naked intimacy. Her feet were precious jewels, and he feared she would jump out of bed and run away if he confessed how deeply he craved to kiss and lick them. When I spoke with her privately, she said, “Is that all? He can worship my feet, that’s fine by me if it makes him happy.” Needless to say, her husband was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude at her response. He felt 100 pounds lighter after releasing his shame.
Acceptance Is The Only Path to Fetish Happiness
Think of fetishism as a hard-wired brain system. It works invisibly, stays alert to opportunity, and never fully sleeps in the unconscious.
Fetishes aren’t diseases or flaws. They are intrinsic to the person who has them and develop in tandem with identity and personality. You did not fall for a man and his fetish as two different things. The wiring that produced the man produced his fetishes.
We don’t yet know exactly how that wiring forms. The best current science points to sexuality being polygenic, i.e., shaped by many different genetic markers working together, then influenced by environment and experience. What we can say is that no one chose it and no one can switch it off, any more than they can will themselves taller.
Fetishists, please learn to accept yourself first. Then ask your partner to accept you. It’s the only path to a lasting relationship.
photo credit: Bruno Mattos @Pexels.
You don’t have to figure this out alone, and you don’t have to keep score until someone loses. I have room for one or two new clients starting in August. If your marriage is caught in this struggle, reach out to me.
