No one is born with sexual intelligence. In order to have sexual intelligence, you need (a) developed cognitive skills and (b) to have sex. Cognitive skills develop in puberty and adolescence, and many people don’t have intimate relationships until adulthood and/or marriage. Until you experience both (a) and (b), your “SI” is low.
Defining Sexual Intelligence
Sexual Intelligence is a measure (or quotient) of your ability to enjoy a sex life that serves and satisfies your biological and psychological sex needs.
Someone who has naturally always had a very high sex drive may be challenged in a sex-negative society to meet their own needs. Or someone who grows up with a low libido may be challenged by people trying to have sex with them that they don’t enjoy. Most of us feel daunted by narratives that tell us sex is shameful, that certain types of sex are unnatural, and that too much sex is immoral. It sucks the wind out of our sexy sails.
Sexual Intelligence is when your body and your mind feel satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life.
The Foundation of Sexual Intelligence
There are two essential components of Sexual Intelligence. Without them, coupled sex is unlikely to be satisfying for one or both partners. Indeed, even self-pleasure can be very challenging.
1. Being Emotionally Present During Sex
The best sex is emotionally engaged sex, whether it’s with someone you’ve been with for decades, someone you just picked up tonight, or it’s just you enjoying solo sex. How you feel about the sex you are having is more important than whether you do it in the right position or have a perfect body.
People who feel passion and feel that sex is going exactly as they hoped are fully engaged. That emotional and psychological engagement completes a sex act: everyone is happy, perhaps it stirs affection for whomever they are with, perhaps it leads to wonderful orgasms. By allowing yourself to be fully engaged, knowing what feels good, asking for what you want, and giving your partner what they need, you help both your brain and body. Your brain loves positive attitudes about sex and pleasure. Your body benefits from improved core functions: thinking, breathing, and blood circulation.
Being emotionally present allows for bonding. It’s that intimate, private bonding that makes sex so joyous.
2. Your Inner Truths Matter
SI means you intentionally value your own needs. Fulfilling your specific needs matters to you: you seek partners who will give as much as they get. You look for people who share your sex interests, your kinks, or your fetishes. Those connections feed your soul and fill you with bodily delights. At the same time, you protect yourself from people who don’t respect you. People who bring heavy negativity about sex to bed, people who pressure you or don’t consider YOUR needs, are people you generally avoid.
I don’t judge the paths people take to get there, whether it’s one true love or hedonism and variety. What I care about is people learning to walk away from sad or self-destructive choices. That means growing their SI. It’s never too late in life to chart a better path.
7 Characteristics of High Sexual Intelligence
Self-Control
Self-control isn’t the opposite of creative or spontaneous sex. It’s the opposite of unsafe sex. Sexually intelligent adults are able to indulge in wild, hot sex while maintaining control over their choices of partners, circumstances, and personal safety.
The Ability to Learn From Mistakes
Denial is the devil that messes up many a sex life. It’s only by learning from your sexual mistakes and doing differently or better next time that you will grow. Flexibility and adaptability are essential tools in every sexually intelligent lover’s toolbox.
A Balance Between Body and Mind
What you think about someone and what you feel for them erotically should work in harmony. When your mind and body are at war over sex, it may diminish libido, impact performance, or cause people to behave neurotically.
Deliberate Choice
Many people have sex for reasons other than pleasure: to compensate for inadequacies, escape tedium, for financial gain, to win a bet, to prove a point, because their partner wanted it, or because they feel guilty if they don’t.
A deliberate choice is when you have sex because you expect it will make you feel great.
Self-Respect
If you don’t believe that sex matters or that your body is sacred, you’ll accept and resign yourself to sexual dissatisfaction. Sexual self-respect means you select partners who respect you and believe your sexual satisfaction is as important as their own.
Anticipation of Pleasure
The expectation of pleasure is the difference between people with great sex lives and people with mediocre or lousy ones. My clinical mantra: “Anxiety is the antithesis of sexy.” If you’re afraid of intimacy, embarrassed about your body, feel ashamed of your needs, or inhibited about the odors and noises of sex, your ability to anticipate pleasure will be impaired.
Predictable Positive Outcomes
Every adult should set sex boundaries and stick to them. Too much spontaneity leads to regrets, diseases, and unwanted pregnancies. A hallmark of sexual intelligence is when you know which parts of you respond best to what kind of stimulation. For some, it’s a “click” in the brain; for others, it’s as simple as a stroke to a body part. Good experiences lead to good memories about intimacy, which lead to more pleasure and better outcomes.
Last week, I explained three unique thinking skills that only sex can teach you. Today, you learned how to measure your sexual intelligence using these seven characteristics.
Want the complete step-by-step plan to build your SI? Check back Tuesday for the final post in this series, where I’ll reveal the full 8-point framework.
Ready to work on sexual intelligence privately? I have a few openings in my therapy practice right now. Visit my therapy page to learn more.
photo credit: Geralt at Pixabay
