THE DIVIDE
My Journey into the Community
Is BDSM sex? For me, it always has been. How about you?
In my youth, I really thought my strange fantasies must be unique to me. No one else talked about kink or tried to do fetish stuff with me. It took until I was almost 30 and went online to find dozens who were kinky! That was immensely liberating. Plus, if there were a few dozen on a local forum, maybe there were hundreds across the country. Wow! Then I started going to clubs and events, and I realized, OMG, there could be thousands of people just like me! So much awe!!!
Learning that Reality Means Diversity
Early in 1987, I joined Compuserve, founded a support group, and discovered there might just be MILLIONS of us. It was an astounding concept at the time. This is when I learned that while there were people “just like me,” there were just as many or more people NOT AT ALL like me in the Scene.
I met fetishists who wanted their fetishes more than relationships and service subs who were into the service, not the sex. There were super-masochists who sought tops who could take them as far as they craved to go without emotional attachment, because it was all about the physicality.
For every master/slave couple or group I’ve met, there are more who love BDSM/Leather/Kink for different reasons. It took me some time to overcome my original prejudices that a power relationship was THE flagship relationship style of BDSM.
If You Can’t Adapt, You Won’t Evolve
I have adapted to the evolving realities of the world of BDSM. No point complaining that it’s changed! Our first social group (Eulenspiegel) was started in 1971. That’s 55 years ago, folks! Of course, things have massively changed. The only reason we didn’t realize that almost 50% of adults have explored some aspect of BDSM is that we didn’t have the Internet.
Now we do. And what do we see? DIVERSITY! Diversity of presentation. Diversity of kinks and roles that have emerged in the last decade! Diversity of horniness! Just infinite diversity. It’s beautiful!
CAMP KINKINESS
Today I’m going to sort it out by breaking the BDSM up into four distinct categories. Then I’ll ask you to vote on how you see BDSM!
Camp 1: BDSM IS Sex
For Camp 1, BDSM isn’t foreplay. It’s the main event. They’d rather do BDSM than sex acts. Power Exchange itself can take them to an ecstatic state, with zero genital contact required. BDSM acts like impact play and restraint arouse them more intensely than conventional sex.
Often, people in this camp feel sure they must have been wired this way. At a time when their peers were fantasizing about T&A, they were dreaming up kinky fantasies and obsessively watching shows with costumed characters and bondage scenes. They always knew something set them apart from others.
Camp 2: BDSM IS SENSATION PLAY
A former client once told me about encountering a top who liked to challenge subs to an endurance contest, where each volunteer would be smacked on the butt with a weighted leather paddle. The winner was the one who took the most hits without safewording. My client was intrigued enough to volunteer. He said there was zero erotic charge for him. It was the masochistic challenge he could not resist. It was somewhere between sensation play and masochistic performance art.
I’ve heard other explanations. For some, it isn’t about arousal, it’s about going on a journey in their minds. The ropes that feel tight; the hood that deprives you of sight and speech; the whip whose every stroke sends you to a higher plane: each sensation sinks beneath the skin and bone, into their core.
Or it can be about the challenge, the adrenaline, the dopamine chase, and the experience of pushing physical limits. Think of them as the mountain climbers of BDSM. Only one group uses ropes and harnesses for the athletic challenge, while BDSMers use them for the way they make us feel.
Camp 3: BDSM is Service
Service-oriented players find fulfillment in the service itself. Service-oriented people are common in daily life! What’s less common is connecting service to bootblacking or obedience and devotion to your owner/dominant.
There are many overlaps. You might find a measure of erotic pleasure in service. You could find the big she-bang of eroticism in your service role. Sometimes, it’s strictly about doing a job well for someone else and seeing them satisfied with your work. The structure and the acts of service fulfill their needs.
Since many subs are “service-oriented,” it’s very common for service to be part of a power relationship as well.
Camp 4: BDSM is Sophisticated Foreplay
This group tends to be swingers, hedonists, and other sex-positive, open-minded adults who view BDSM as spice, not the main course.
Their play runs light and sensual rather than intense. Think silk scarves and feathers, not heavy impact. Teasing restraint that builds anticipation for what comes next. Playful power dynamics without deep role commitment. While the overlap between the Swing/Poly and BDSM communities has grown substantially in the last 2 decades, they retain separate identities, club spaces, and values.
The Hidden Majority
Perhaps the single largest group is the one we can’t even count. That’s the hundreds of millions of people who live out their kinky needs in secret. These are the ones who patronize kinky sex workers, but will never show up at a club for fear of being found out. Kink sites get daily visits from people browsing anonymously. Some may masturbate to hundreds of kinky people and scenes online, but scientists may never be able to get a real snapshot of our total number.
And how do I know this? Probably because I’m a sex therapist. 80% of my clients are kinky. NONE of them are actively involved in the BDSM Community and never will be.
THE CLINICAL TRUTH
All four camps are valid, including fully closeted kinky people.
Different wiring, different motivations, different experiences. Just like sexual orientation exists on a spectrum, so does kinky orientation. It’s that simple, and also hugely complicated.
STOP THE ONE TRUE WAY MYTH
For decades, community gatekeepers have sprung up to push the idea that “real” BDSM must be one specific thing. Either it’s inherently sexual, or it’s definitely not sexual, or it requires 24/7 protocols, or casual players don’t count.
It’s just another vanilla elitist attempt to create artificial status tiers and anoint yourself as being among the top tier. “Oh, they’re lifestyle, they must be weirder than me!” “Oh, they’re not REALLY kinky because they don’t do XYZ!” “Ooh, I don’t like their fetish; therefore, we should exclude them.”
Why Are We Gatekeeping?
Consider this: we’re a radical sex community. We have radical sex. We are considered weird by vanilla standards and sinners by most religious ones. WTF are people gatekeeping? And WHY? To me, all the ones who’ve dragged anti-humanist (to cover the broad spectrum of prejudices) ideology into kink, never really came out of the closet. They just dragged the closet into the Scene.
Stop Judging and Gatekeeping
Stop forcing people into narrow definitions. Call out the gatekeepers. Embrace the people who embrace Community and give their lives to improving it. Pledge to accept diversity.
We are different from each other in myriad ways — orientations, genders, fetishes, needs and wants, turn-ons, turn-offs — and yet we have a bond so deep that many of us believe it is hard-coded into our genes. Under the skin, we are kin.
photo credit: Alberto Gasco @ UnSplash
