Erectile Dysfunction (ED) affects nearly 1 in 4 men, yet shame keeps us silent
I was in my second year of college, hooking up with this handsome, manly college graduate. Since I knew he’d be leaving for graduate school in a week, I had mixed feelings about it. Apparently, he did too. We kissed, then eased out of our clothes on a narrow couch in his parents’ basement. I spread my legs as far as the skinny couch would permit, closed my eyes, and waited expectantly. I felt a small whap against my lips. Like a handful of warm putty.
My beau started apologizing. “This has never happened before. I don’t know what’s going on.”
I opened my eyes and realized he had lost the burgeoning erection I’d admired before closing my eyes. He was back to square one.
“What’s happening?” I asked politely.
“Nothing!” he said angrily, getting on his feet and pulling his pants up as fast as he could. “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
“You didn’t,” I said.
“Right,” he said coldly.
I don’t remember much else, but he hurriedly escorted me out to the street, locking the door behind me. The walk home was only a couple of blocks, enough time to puzzle over what just happened. The dramatic ending mystified me. So what if he couldn’t get hard? I still liked him. We could’ve done something else. I felt sure I could satisfy him with my hands. At 19, I felt worldly and all-powerful!
And Then It Kept Happening
By my twenties, I’d encountered ED at least half a dozen times.
In my senior year of college, I got close to an older college student. We lived in different worlds, but got along well. One day, he suggested we go further. I was game. It was all very spontaneous, and his bed was big and soft. Unfortunately, so was he. Within five minutes of foreplay, he called himself out.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think this is going to happen. I wish I knew why,” he said. “Should we get dressed?”
“Are you sure? We could try again.”
We did. Nothing happened.
“Well, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m getting hungry. Want soup? I’ll make us some soup.”
“OK!” I shrugged, getting back into my clothes. I thought it was honorable of him to be so honest.
We ate soup at the kitchen table, barely speaking. That was a sweet moment. I never heard from him again.
And Even More Times
By my 30s, I’d lost count. And yet, nobody talked about it. Everyone acted like it was this rare, shameful thing that happened to ‘other guys.’ My lived experience told a completely different story.
The more I tried to remember, the more men came to mind! The English professor who could not keep it up during a raucous night at a forbidden hotel. The boss at a part-time office job who wooed me with gifts for weeks and then kicked me out of his high-rise luxury apartment when he couldn’t make his own architecture rise, only to apologize and give me more expensive gifts afterwards. Or a much older man I dated in my 20s, who asked that I rub his testicles because his penis stopped working long ago.
ED Is Just Another Male Body Thing
Experience has shown me that Psychogenic ED, while not super common, happens more than people think. Put another way: penises don’t always cooperate, and often nobody—neither the owner nor the partner—sees it coming.
WHY? So many reasons! It can range from ‘I masturbated thinking about them, now the reality doesn’t fit what I fantasized about’ to ‘geez, they need to take a shower, I can’t’ or to ‘I’m worthless, not even a man, just a loser,’ and ‘I keep hearing my grandmother in heaven telling me I’m sick and need to find Jesus.’
In other words, Psychogenic ED (which accounts for approximately 40% of all ED cases) is tied to self-image, inner thoughts and feelings, along with traumas, feelings of inadequacy, and other burdens that trample self-esteem. Yet, when and if it gets mentioned, it is done as a joke or put-down, sometimes both. Sadly, more often than not, it’s men who do the sneering and bullying. What they don’t realize is that, sooner or later, they are likely to have ED themselves.
ED Impacts A Significant Percentage of Men
If ED is abnormal, why does it affect 52% of men ages 40-70? And why do so many younger men experience it too?
A 2024 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 24.2% of men ages 18 to 87—nearly one in four—had experienced ED. That number climbs to over 52% for men ages 40-70. The prevalence increases dramatically with age: 48% of men ages 65-74 and over half of men 75+ met diagnostic criteria for ED. And since ED is notoriously underreported, the actual numbers are likely higher.
We know the facts: ED is common, not rare. Sometimes it’s psychological (psychogenic), sometimes it’s linked to heart conditions or diabetes (organic). The causes are diverse. Yet we still don’t talk about it openly, and many men suffer in shame. Viagra has helped some men, but it’s not a magic solution—especially for psychogenic ED. That’s because erections aren’t purely physical. They’re deeply tied to how men feel about themselves, their bodies, and their masculinity.
Men often experience a unique type of grief and mourning when they lose the power to get hard on demand. Whether the ‘demand’ comes from the man’s inner needs or is an actual demand or command (in Kink) from a partner, the failure to get it up can feel like an overwhelming personal failure.
Breaking the Silence
My experiences with ED in my youth didn’t make me an expert overnight. However, they did plant a seed of curiosity that never faded. Why was something so common treated as so shameful? Why did these men—good men, attractive men, men I liked—suffer alone instead of talking about it?
Those questions eventually led me to become a sexologist. And decades of research and clinical work have only confirmed what my younger self already knew: ED is normal. It’s manageable. And the shame surrounding it causes far more damage than the condition itself.
If you’re experiencing ED—or if someone you love is—know this: you’re not broken, you’re not less than, and you’re definitely not alone. Understanding whether your ED is psychogenic, situational, or organic is the first step toward finding real solutions.
And yes, those solutions exist. That’s what this educational series is all about.
Photo credit: Tanner Ross, trossthegiant@unsplash
