In parts 1 and 2 of this mini-series, I asked you to consider stepping out of your comfort zone and to find your Community. Instead of obsessing over normality, I suggested you’d do best to find new friends who accept you exactly as you are. No need to keep secrets or tell lies; they can handle your truth.
The cure for feeling like an outcast or a sex freak is finding communities that lift you up and give you a renewed faith in life. And, today, I’ll tell you where to actually look and why, despite your hesitation to join a group, good times with other people bring a special kind of joy to life.
We Were Born for Community
Humans are a social species. We evolved in small groups, depending on each other for food, safety, child-rearing, and emotional survival. Our brains literally developed to read faces, track relationships, and bond through touch, voice, and shared experience. When we’re isolated, our nervous systems register it as danger. Loneliness raises cortisol, disrupts sleep, tanks immune function, and has been linked in multiple studies to outcomes as serious as heart disease and early death. We weren’t built to go it alone, and when we try, our bodies protest.
That’s the scientific version. The lived version is simpler.
You know how it feels when you’re around people who truly see you, laugh at your jokes, and understand you without translation? You feel lighter, more at home in your body, less defensive, and kinder. That’s how your biology SHOULD work, responding easily to social pleasures.
Short List: How to Connect with Community
A note before you start: if you’re intensely introverted or neurodivergent in ways that make socializing challenging, see if you can find a friend who will go to some events with you. If that’s not possible, then it becomes mandatory to have a friend on standby who will accept a safe call from you when you arrive and another one when you leave, to let them know everything went ok.
For kinky people
You can find dozens of “top 10 kink dating sites” lists with a quick search. Most are not worth a click, filled with fakes, frauds, or not filled with anyone at all. The ones listed here are legit and active.
- The Cage: this Web-based kink Community is European-based and offers free, kink-positive, moderated, community-first interactions rather than hookup-first. It’s classy and literary, featuring solid reads from known authors.
- Feeld: this mobile app’s audience is broader than kink, and has more of an “alt sex” vibe. It works for folks whose interests sit inside the range of poly, queer, kinky, LGBTQIA+ relationships.
- Recon: of course it has a full-service website AND app for your maximum entertainment! This long-running and still popular site is for gay/bi/queer/trans men who are into gear and fetish.
- Dating Kinky: this web-based community has a smaller user base than other sites, but offers kink education and, bonus, voice and video messaging!
- FetLife: the first kink-focused dating site is still the biggest, but as so often happens, its success has evolved into a swamp of content that is hard to navigate. Swamps of old profiles, amateur porn, drama, non-kinky swingers and lots of unmoderated baloney. IMHO ofc.
In Person Meetings For Kinksters
There are so many different ways people find each other in the world of kink, it’s impossible to list. So I will offer one simple suggestion. Go to kink community events. A good place to start is a munch, but my preference for clients is to get them to attend a few groups in their area if that’s a possibility. If not, do some research on the big annual events that kinksters attend. It can be a little intimidating at first, but it could be the kind of culture shock you need. You’ll be seeing hundreds, sometimes thousands, of people like you: kinky af. It’s very reaffirming to know we are a large, proud community.
For non-kinky people
You have the hugest pool of potentials. Yet it’s still so hard to find that right someone. You probably already know all the big, commercial dating sites. They can end up being a frustrating waste of time and money unless you have the patience of a saint.
Instead, go to places you LOVE. You know how every other personal ad says “love walks on the beach”? Hey, maybe try beaches if that’s your thing. Besides, a good walk on the beach is healthy! Or maybe you love art galleries or rummaging through flea markets. GO. Get there early, look around, talk to people. You might just meet people who are actually interested in your favorite pastime. And even if you don’t, you did something good for yourself. You went out into the world and had FUN.
Finding Your Community
Finding your people is a practice, not a single event. It means being aware of possible connections all around you, and not just at clubs or bars. Kinky people lead normal lives, and you probably pass dozens of them unknowingly every day.
You will find them one by one, or sometimes in pre-formed groups that welcome you in. You’ll meet some in person, you’ll know some for years and not realize you had this in common, you will go to an event and come home smitten in ways you’ve never felt before. It’s all there, waiting for you to reach out with respect, kindness, and an eagerness to make connection. Your community is already out there.
photo credit: Marwen Larafa @ Pexels
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