One of the most common complaints I hear from heterosexual kinky guys is “Why can’t I date a femdom?” Even when they find femdoms, they never seem to get enough traction with them to date them. This blog looks at the how and why of dating a femdom.
In my experience, there are three primary reasons why submissive men fail to date a femdom.
- Shame overwhelms them — as does their excitement about meeting one — and they can’t act natural. They are too nervous or scared to approach them.
- Some men never had much success with women. They bring all their baggage — anxiety, fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy — with them. Their baggage blocks them from building a dating relationship.
- They make false assumptions about Femdoms and treat them like stereotypes.
Let’s unpack why so many guys face these obstacles when trying to find the femdom of their dreams.
To date a femdom, learn what they want
The first thing to know about “what femdoms want” is that they all want different things. If you’ve been treating all femdoms based on your assumptions about what they “all” want, you may turn many femdoms off. While it is convenient to organize BDSM roles into categories like sub, dom, switch, etc., in reality, there are as many differences among them as there are among any group of people.
You don’t expect all your co-workers to be the same people, or to act the same, even if they wear the same uniforms or professional clothing. Nor would you expect them all to feel the same — for example, all nurses wear uniforms but that doesn’t mean they all have the same personalities. Bottom line: if you want to date a femdom, don’t stereotype them!
What do Femdoms Want?
Femdoms, like all people, want to be recognized and admired for their unique traits. Expect a femdom to be proud of her individuality. Pay attention to their behavior, ask about their preferences, and compliment them sincerely on the things you like about THEM — not just their outfits or toys.
Assuming that they’re like the people you see in porn can destroy your chances of dating a femdom. You will quickly find out that they are not fantasy figures engineered to arouse your desire. Over the decades, scores of subs have approached me with assumptions about who I am and what I like because I wore fetish gear. They saw femdoms as one-size-fits-all dom machines, not human beings worth getting to know.
If you still believe that “All femdoms…” STOP right there. Other than (one hopes) being safe, sane, and consensual, there are no rules for how they feel, behave, or think. Stereotyping them usually leads to failure.
Approach Femdoms Intentionally
Here are three principles to guide you.
- If you only want a play session, approaching them in role (you act submissive, call them Mistress, politely ask if they’re down to play with you) might work. If you are looking for a relationship, start with a light, playful approach, and do NOT call them Mistress unless they ask you to. Let them know you are interested in THEM, not just play.
- Learn about their likes and dislikes. Ask them basic questions to see if you have anything in common. Ask how they’d like you to address them (some will give a first name, others prefer a title). You might also ask whether they use safewords and provide aftercare. Finally, find out their favorite kinks/fetishes to see if you align well.
- Leave your assumptions behind. As difficult as it may be to start a conversation with a woman you don’t know, do not focus on what you want from her. Instead, focus on learning her likes and dislikes.
Read How To Pick a Dom Who’s Right For You for more ideas on what to ask or talk about.
The Difference between Pros and Non-pros
Professional Dominants
In case you didn’t know, professional doms are business people who charge a fee for their services. Because it is their business, professional doms seek paying clients. They seldom date clients and are lenient in their requirements of paying customers. Your personality type, marital status, looks, or sense of humor doesn’t matter. They need only to know that you are safe to play with, respectful and that your kinks are acceptable to them.
Professionals may wear the outfits you’ve seen in BDSM magazines or porn or simulate attitudes. It’s part of their job to satisfy their client’s needs.
Why Seeing a Pro Might Help You
If you have never had a good experience of domination, seeing a professional might be worthwhile in your journey to dating a non-professional. It’s hard to think straight when you’re stewing in the juices of lust and sexual frustration. A pro can walk you through the steps of how to treat a FemDom, introduce you to the emotional realities of BDSM experience, and relieve your frustration.
All the porn you’ve watched cannot educate you on how it feels to be in service to a woman or what it’s like to be teased and tied up by a woman who is in charge. At the least, it takes the edge off your horniness. At the most, it gives you a visceral knowledge of your limits. It helps you explore your true needs (not just the fantasy ones). It may even boost your self-confidence to know you have some experience under your belt. The experience can be therapeutic and calm you down.
Private FemDoms
Lifestyle femdoms don’t charge a fee. If you want to form a relationship with them, they will assess you as a potential partner, not just a customer. They’ll want to feel a spark with you. They’ll naturally look for complimentary desires. Physical chemistry will be important to them, along with personality traits, emotional intelligence, marital status, health status, and more. They are looking to form successful personal relationships.
Case Study — Perry’s Story
My client Perry was in his early 40s and desperate to find HER. It seemed to him that no matter how many times he went to events or clubs over the years, the best he’d ever been able to do was stare longingly from afar at them, praying one of them would walk up to him and claim him. He said he didn’t know how to talk to femdoms. He left every event feeling more lonely than before.
Once or twice, he managed to get a femdom to play with him. The play time was fun but it barely scratched the itch he had to form a serious relationship. He grew bitter over his failure and now blamed the doms for being too difficult to date.
Perry Learned the Ropes
Jump ahead to Perry a few months later. Before trying to date a femdom, he decided to see a prodom. He picked the kind of woman he believed was out of his league. She was a surprisingly sweet person. She spent time before playing to learn a few things about him and shared a few things about what she liked.
Doing BDSM in her private dungeon gave him freedom from shame. He realized that the whippings that looked so hot in porn were painful in real life. He learned that a little bit went a long way. Kneeling and kissing her feet put him in a trance of lust. He had his first great experience of BDSM, start to finish.
She normalized BDSM for him. His shame lifted. His confidence grew. At the next event he attended, he approached several femdoms. Instead of ogling their gear and tripping over his words, he felt comfortable. He got to date a couple of private femdoms. Within a few months, he had found one who delighted him both in a dungeon and on dates. A year after that, they got engaged. He was deeply grateful to me for the advice and guidance that helped him find the perfect femdom girlfriend.
Need Help Dating a Femdom?
Are you struggling to date a femdom? Helping you with that is very much in my wheelhouse. Set up a free discovery call and let’s get you where you need to be.
photo credit jdbc2 on Pixabay
