Sooner or later, one way or another, every client will ask me some version of the same exact question. That question hasn’t changed since I started peer-counseling kinky folk back in the late 1980s! “Am I (or my partner) normal?” is first, followed by “Is this thing I do (or partner does) normal?”
Sexual normality is a universal human obsession. No other species in the world philosophically explores sexual ethics the way humans do, and often to our own detriment. Perhaps that is why we are also the ONLY species to experience sexual shame, sexual guilt, and self-punishment for normal, everyday acts like masturbation.
Everyone Worries, and for What?
You might think that many adults, particularly married or experienced ones, would have evolved beyond the “is it normal” stage. But sex therapists don’t see people who have achieved their intimacy goals. We see people who are still struggling with deeply nuanced, sometimes hard-to-navigate relationship problems. And those people cover the gamut of orientations and identities.
When it’s kinky people, more often than not, they worry that partners won’t still love them after they’ve shared their fetishes and exposed their vulnerability. Among non-kinky people, the focus shifts to limits and boundaries in bed. “How often is it normal to have sex?” or “Is it normal to masturbate even though I’m married?” and “Is it really normal to perform oral sex?”
Deep down, we all share the pervasive cultural anxiety that everyone must adhere to a specific set of sex acts. If you step outside that limited range of activity, you might be a freak. We are taught, groomed, and trained to believe that sex is shameful and dirty. Most people will never be free of that ugly point of view.
CHASING NORMALITY
We are social creatures, and that means we feel safest when we fit in with others. That’s why we join clubs, charities, gyms, protest marches, and other public-facing activities: it makes us feel stronger and more energized when we’re part of a group or a crowd. Like all other species, we instinctively understand that it’s safer to fit in even though, deep down, we may feel differently from our fellows.
And there is an illusion in America that I haven’t seen elsewhere in the world. Put simply, it’s the notion that there is or can be a perfect life. The perfect American life is bigger than the now-obsolete “American Dream.” Today, it’s about having more than everyone else and, perhaps, being happier than most. If we don’t have more material goods and larger fortunes than others, we must at least move into a tiny house and celebrate our lack of money as both art and a political statement. We just scream for approval.
Honestly, I love people, along with their unrealistic dreams, futile ambitions, and greed. “It’s human nature,” I say to myself, and it consoles me somehow. It amazes me that primates GOT this far, and I’m grateful to be homo sapien. But human perfection? Never was and never will be. We are all flawed. Maybe it was by design, as some believe; maybe it’s all some mad simulation of something or other. I rely on reality to inform me, so I look more to science and what my 5-6 senses tell me, and they tell me perfection doesn’t exist.
Normality is only the top of the Bell Curve of life. Or as a jokester recently commented in a meme, “Be grateful for all the 3-inchers who have made 5 inches normal.”
What’s the Answer to “What’s Normal”?
Trick question! There is no one answer. Obviously if you are struggling and sad and can’t get yourself to where you want to be, you should see a helping professional to free you and sort it out. But there is something you can do that could help you get over your problems, particularly if you are unconventional.
FIND YOUR PEOPLE
I don’t know who they are. You may not yet know either. In this (relationship/community) context, “Finding one’s people” means meeting others who share your core values regarding relationships and intimacy. When you connect with others who share your values, who allow you to simply BE YOURSELF, something beautiful happens. The shame slowly but surely melts away.
Finding your people is proof positive that you aren’t alone. They share your feelings, understand your pain, and treat you with respect. Most of all, through kindness, they let you know you’re not some freak or weirdo. They see you and like what they see. Finding your people isn’t always easy, but it’s a crucial step in chasing away the bad vibes you’ve been carrying.
If you find yourself asking, “Am I normal?” please know that there is no one “right” way to be sexual, and no single definition of normality. Being at the top of a bell-curve isn’t an achievement: it just means you’re in the majority. Instead of worrying about yourself, be kind to yourself: find your people! The ones who will support you, respect you, and cherish you as a human will be the tools of your own sexual liberation.
Conforming to societal standards that make you miserable is self-defeating. You are who you are. Learn to appreciate yourself. The path to sexual self-liberation is paved with self-acceptance.
photo credit: Kesba @Pixabay.com
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