Maybe you’re wondering, “Who the heck ARE my people? How would I even know if I ever met them?” Today, I’ll talk about the value of community and how to recognize people who resonate with you.
People are more dependent on the Internet now than ever before. They are gaming, doom-scrolling, trying to become influencers, and getting sucked into entertainment traps like TikTok or porn traps like OnlyFans.
It’s exciting how we bond with people through technology. But our brains need more! We were born to experience people physically: how they smell, look, sound. That’s what makes them real to us. We need to see them live, hug or touch hands, and generally get a sense of their whole self, not just what they say or write. Online friendships and alliances change in the blink of an eye. Websites vanish, leaving nothing but 404s in their wake. Yesterday’s 5-page love letter is today’s 5-word text.
Finding people IRL who make you want to put your phone down to talk to them is your goal!
Community Changes Lives
I can’t say that my first few trips to BDSM clubs were overwhelmingly wonderful, or that I met tons of great people, and formed forever friendships right off the bat. What I can say, with certitude, is that when I started going to clubs, I felt as if I had been freed from the life I led before. I recognized the people at the clubs I visited, even though I did not even know who any of them were. I resonated with them on some weird internal level. They were odd, and so was I. They seemed like me – not the “popular kids in high school,” but the quirky, more introverted ones.
Most of all, we were miraculously turned on by the same things! Weird, shameful things that I had always assumed were unique to me were being acted out by relaxed adults who appeared to have done those things for years. I realized that other people adored the smell of leather and loved wearing it as often as possible. People whose euphoria during play sessions permeated into the crowd, and into me. I could feel their emotions because those emotions were familiar to me from my long-held sexual fantasies.
I felt at home. For the first time in my life, I was at home with a crowd. I felt I knew them and that they knew me. Not on the surface. We didn’t even know each other’s names. But deep down, we were the same.
What we need to reclaim from the Internet is one of the most important human needs: Real Life Community. The online communities we form are what helped many of us marginalized types to finally find one another. But that cannot be the last word on community. We still need physical contact with people. We need to touch and be touched, to experience life through all of our senses, and not just our vision.
Who Are Your People?
You can try to build a small community around yourself, comprised of your best friends. That is one approach. But it doesn’t allow for new friends or the possibility of meeting new/more potential partners for romance.
If you’re starting out, I’d suggest a hybrid online/IRL community that has regular meet-ups. It gives you the chance to read what they say and learn about them before attending the events.
For intimate relationships, hook-ups, or forever afters, set your focus on groups around your own erotic interests. Whatever your orientation, preferences, or flavors, get with the people who you know at the very least share your sexy interests. Find a group near you that aligns with your interest, whether on the straight/hetero/binary spectrum or the LGBTQIA+/Poly/Kink spectrum.
But wait! What if you don’t want your life centered around your romantic life? No problem. The connection can be based on a mutual cause (like a charitable venture), on finding partners for hikes, travel, or gourmet dining!
Look to your passions and find the group that shares them. Don’t expect to love everyone. Indeed, maybe the first or second group will bore or annoy you. Keep going. No matter where you live, there is bound to be a clique of people like you. And there is always the Internet to find many more.
Meaningful Relationship Qu’est-ce que c’est?
You get to define “meaningful relationship.” There are no rules. You also get to decide if you want to have a kind of extended family situation in your life or if you want a chosen family in place of or in addition to your biological family. For me, meaningful usually meant “someone I could play with, talk to, laugh with,” but not marry. What does a meaningful relationship mean to you?
Everything you want is out there in the world. The question is whether you are willing to leave your comfort zone to find it. Can you commit to changing your behaviors? Are you willing to do the work?
Three Fundamentals to ID Your People
- Your people are the ones who share your passions. Not just hobbies or casual adventures because the group is doing it. It has to be something you already know you love or have long fantasized about doing. This can range from meeting up with people who share your love of a specific cuisine to people who share your love of a specific fetish. How and with whom you resonate is always up to you and them. Are they fun to talk to? Do they have information you need or want? Are they listening to and hearing what you’re saying, and reacting as you’d hope they would? Do you feel a “click” between you as if, “yeah, I could see spending hours talking to them!” Do they lift your spirits? They are your people.
- Your people go to places and hold get-togethers. Do you have an interest in old cars and good-looking women? Go to antique car shows whenever you can and talk to people. Ask about car clubs and where they are held, and start working your way into the car scene. Fascinated by Shibari? Go to a demo — you can usually find random events in even smaller cities these days. Talk to people and find out if there are other clubs or parties with bondage opportunities. Don’t expect to play with people, just learn about the people and the place. Do you fit in? Are they too strange for you or just your speed? Or perhaps, they exceed your expectations by being welcoming and friendly. Find out.
- KNOW THYSELF. The first two foundations actually sit on this truth. If you have no idea what you’re looking for, or what makes you happy, you’re not quite ready to find your people. You risk ending up with the wrong people because you haven’t searched your own soul deeply enough. If you are still terrified of admitting you are kinky, for example, munches or events could psychologically overload you. If you are too shy to walk up to a sexy person and start talking, forget car shows and other public networking for fun.
Prepare Yourself for a New Journey
Knowing thyself is KEY to making good choices in life. Set your limits and boundaries before you explore. If you don’t know how to set boundaries and stick to them, then PLEASE learn how to do that before venturing off with new people!
For those confident they can say “no” and make it stick, start with the first two fundamentals. Give yourself permission to walk into new situations with new people, knowing you can walk away if you want. Pick people who have piqued your curiosity in the past, or who somehow “feel” interesting or mysterious to you. Be nice to EVERYONE: any one of them may be able to introduce you to other people you like better!
In the next blog, I’ll do a round-up of places where you may be able to find your people!
Until then, don’t forget to get a FREE copy of my handbook on staying sexy through menopause.
top banner photo: NinoSouza @Pixabay
