In What Makes a Femdom a Femdom, I shared a story about how I went from denying to applying my kinks to the real world. What I left out of my story were the inner work I’ve done throughout my adult life, plus the disappointments and heartaches that trickle through even the most successful relationships. I didn’t learn one day that I was a dominatrix, squeal “Yahoo!” and ride off into the sunset where spankable people awaited. It’s more like one day I faced who I was — and then the deepest questions started.
What Makes a Person Dominant?
It is still up for debate, and I’m appalled, since it’s been a burning question as long as I’ve been researching. Instead, we’re all still asking ourselves: are we wired that way, or does nurture make the difference? And why, oh why, do we get excited to witness aggression and pain, and how do we have the audacity to call what we do true love?
Embracing a dominant identity is not something everyone can do, even when you have those sex fantasies. Nor should you try if it doesn’t fit with your moral character or philosophy of life. Naturally, if you don’t understand consent and won’t play ethically, we’re all begging you NOT to call yourself dominant at all.
Permit Yourself to Be Yourself
If you know who you are deep inside, if you trust your instincts are good, don’t let that person rot away inside you. Repression will never improve the moral or emotional quality of your life. Learning new things, accepting responsibility for your choices, and becoming proud of who you are are the elements that transform lives for the better.
It is a defining moment in adult sexuality when a person decides whether or not to be true to their erotic nature.
Do You Have A Dom Side? Self-Assessment
I’m writing this blog series because I know that you, my hidden sister-in-genetic-markers, are out there. You’ve known since childhood or maybe your 20s, 30s, or 40s+ that you’re not like women are “supposed” to be. You feel good when you’re in charge. If your partner surrenders to you in bed, your arousal skyrockets.
Are you disconnected from your urge to take power? Have you hidden your dominant impulses from yourself or potential partners?
10 Assessment Questions
Yes or no answers only. 1 point for every yes. 0 for no.
- Do you keep a lot of thoughts to yourself because you fear people would think you are a major bitch?
- Do you feel best when you’re the one in control? (you throw the party, choose the food, pick the guests, etc.)
- Do you set strict dating rules that you expect men to follow?
- Do you have any fantasies of being a queen/king or hero and being treated like one?
- Do you ever secretly imagine having a houseboy, slaveboy, or male harem?
- Do people ask for your advice and opinions, and do they take them seriously?
- Have you ever realized, long after an encounter, that there was a missed opportunity for a power-exchange dynamic?
- Do you get a thrill from the idea of a man begging you for sex or release?
- Have you ever felt personally rejected because your partner didn’t like creative or kinky stuff?
- If someone handed you total control in bed tonight, would you take it?
Self-Assessment
If you scored 7+, the question isn’t whether you ARE dominant. The question is when you’ll accept it. Don’t wait too long, but don’t rush, either. Relax. Take small risks. Let your dominant persona out slowly. It’s a very soothing and amusing journey, especially when you watch yourself take to it like a duck to water. Put another way: if you’re really dominant, dominance will suit you in the bedroom.
If you scored 4-6: You’ve got dominant tendencies, but you might be more of a switch (an adult who enjoys the same sensations from either side of the dynamic). Some people feel it’s the best of both worlds, and a more complete experience of the varieties of kinky sex.
If you scored 0-3: OK. You’re not dominant by nature. But wait! It’s not necessarily where it stops. You could potentially be a “service dominant,” a partner who enjoys giving their submissive partner the kind of play and sensations they enjoy. I’ll add that everyone in the BDSM world notices changes, improvements, evolutions with every passing year. So never rule it out and learn as much as you can. Ten years from now, you could score very differently on this assessment.
Do You Want to Be Dominant?
Although many kinksters, myself included, suspect we were born with dominating personalities, genes never tell the whole story. In the end, regardless of our genetic makeup and family history, it’s the choices we make, yet also the whims of destiny, that truly decide how we end up.
If you scored high on this assessment and recognized yourself in these questions, you already know the truth. The next step is figuring out how to balance it organically with daily life and relationships.
You don’t need to fit the leather-and-whip stereotype. You don’t need to be cruel or cold. What you do need is 1) the desire to live out your destiny 2) to stop apologizing for being yourself. How consenting adults define erotic pleasure is no one’s business but their own.
A scared, lonely part of you has convinced you that you don’t deserve to be happy. She’s been gaslighting you your whole life. Kick her to the curb. You have some fun to catch up on.
Please note: the assessment tool is not an official clinical tool! It is a simple guide to help women critically examine their erotic imaginations and unconscious desires
Photo credit: Cottonbro Studio @ Pexels
