Carolee‘s relationship with her dominant was falling apart. She wasn’t sure who was to blame: sometimes she thought it was all her fault, then she felt it was all her dom’s fault, but most days she figured they were both to blame.
Her main issue was that her dominant partner was never in tune with her needs. She struggled to analyze the situation, but could not find the right path to fixing the problem. I saw why she was at an impasse. Neither party was wrong. Both of them had failed to discuss what consent meant to them individually.
Assigning blame doesn’t resolve problems. Carolee needed to ask herself, “Did she consent to that?”
Consent is a Confusing Thing
Consent is key to an ethical sex life. It is also very confusing! There was a time when saying “SSC” (Safe, Sane, Consensual) was enough to feel comforted that all involved understood the basic parameters. In today’s world, we’ve dissected SSC so many times that we’ve come to understand that consent can be much more nuanced and subjective than SSC alone suggests.
What is “safe” is different to different people. Take kinky head games. They may seem safe because they don’t harm the body but that omits the emotional triggers and psychological wounds that some people can’t handle.
No one has ever established a flawless model of what “sane” means. Psychiatrists and psychologists like dance around the definition of “sanity.” We all know people who have significant mental issues yet act sane, just we know people without mental health issues who make bad choices.
Today, I’ll teach you about emotion-centered consent models. They help clarify how to negotiate and achieve explicitly clear consent between partners.
5 Things You Need to Understand about Consent
Before I explain the new consent models people today follow, a few thoughts on consent from a therapist’s point of view.
- Consensual sex is the cornerstone of healthy intimacy. Absence of consent implies relationship dysfunction and/or abuse
- Your subconscious knows the difference between consent and non-consent even if you don’t consciously acknowledge the differences.
- Your brain rewards consensual play or intimacy with feel-good chemicals. Absence of consent triggers stress chemicals that lead to anxiety, depression, and confusion.
- Consent applies whether your relationship is kinky, non-kinky, long-term, or casual.
- Consent is not dependent on your role: your role is dependent on consent!
Carolee’s Story
After meeting her dominant, and playing with him several times, Carolee agreed to be his full-time submissive. At first, their BDSM play was deeply satisfying to her. Her dom was strict, and strong, and expected her to follow his rules to the letter. She joyfully accepted his collar. He was exactly the master she’d been looking for.
Carolee assumed that because both had been engaged in BDSM for years, they would be more or less on the same page. At first, she felt a few tremors of doubt about their play. One example was that he didn’t show any vanilla affection to her, so hugs and kisses were rare. She was disappointed but accepted when he told her it would make him feel less than a master if he acted “soft.” Then she began to wonder why he never seemed interested in her life outside of their BDSM dynamic.
After that, she noticed that lack of affection was just one piece of a bigger problem. He didn’t like her to talk during play, didn’t seem to hear her complaints. Nor was he interested in meeting any of her friends. In her mind, that made their BDSM play feel more mechanical than the loving journey she one expected.
His Rules Crushed Her Feelings
The last straw was when he said he wouldn’t attend any holiday events with her. He didn’t want to blur the lines between their power dynamic and more mundane interactions. He only wanted to see her when she was serving him.
She was crushed. She thought she had consented to a mutually devoted relationship which extended beyond play. Now she saw that he was only interested in her service to him, not her personhood.
The Consent Stand-Off
Although Carolee and her dominant had negotiated the rules of their BDSM play, she admitted that if she had known the relationship was limited to their roles, she never would have accepted his collar. She had hoped for a fuller relationship. She regretted her agreement to SSC because, while she couldn’t fault him about his play style, it was the rest of the dynamic she didn’t like. Now she felt guilty about leaving the relationship because she couldn’t point to any agreements he had broken.
A Better Consent Model for Carolee
I suggested to Carolee that their mutual misassumptions required a long and serious talk. As time moves on, many people find they need more or different from a kink relationship. A partner who is not willing to re-negotiate is breaking the original spirit of SSC.
A consent agreement such as FRIES (see below) would be better for her relationship because it allowed more room for “reversible consent.” She had learned their views on BDSM relationships conflicted. Now that she had that information, it would be easier to either renegotiate the terms or to ethically end the relationship without guilt.
3 Emotionally-Centered Consent Models
Are you content with the consent agreements you made at the beginning of your relationship? Would you prefer a different consent formula that allows room for change?
Here is a guide to consent models that you can use to replace “Safe, Sane, Consensual.” I am omitting SSC, RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), CNC (Consensual Non-Consent), AND ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) as those are all centered on sex or play. Instead, the consent models below are centered on the emotional realities of BDSM relationships.
PRICK, FRIES, CCCC
PRICK: Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink. The PRICK model implies that you take responsibility for your actions and choices. You remain aware of your authentic needs and recognize when a dynamic is not what you thought you were signing up for. This allows you to learn from your experience. Should you discover “this is not for me,” you have the right to say so and negotiate a new consent model.
FRIES: Freely-given Reversible (or Rescindable) Informed Enthusiastic Specific. FRIES was better for Carolee, since it speaks to “freely-given” consent. It asserts that consent may be withdrawn if you no longer feel “enthusiastic.” This allows room for emotional growth and change without shame.
CCCC: Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution. CCCC is arguably the most flexible of all the Consent Models. To Carolee, her dom’s refusal to have a personal life with her outside of their play meant he didn’t care about her totality. Their communication was shattered because he would not compromise. While she consented to SSC, she did not consent to being siloed into the sub role. For her, CCCC would also be a better model than SSC because it would allow her to leave without guilt.
Play safe, stay sane, and find a consent model that sustains you!
Photo credit: RDNE Stock Project at Pexels
