I’m on a safety kick lately. The more I research the risks of online dating and hook-ups, the more freaked out I become at how dangerously unprepared most adults are when online meetings go sideways. The alarming stats behind romance scams and dating app risks are shocking.
All Demographics Are Vulnerable Online
Contrary to popular belief, dating vulnerability isn’t limited to kink-friendly people. The majority of victims aren’t seeking kink encounters at all. The most concerning violence and abuse targets young people (ages 11-20) and adults who still don’t understand that “stranger danger” is real at ALL ages.
For instance, romance scams targeting elders are on the rise. According to recent data, romance scams cost elders over $3 billion a year. You can read more about it on Digital Forensics.
Safety statistics affect different demographics regardless of age. They impact all genders, sexualities, ages, and abilities. Depending on the community you belong to, your risk factors may be even higher.
The Education Gap in Dating Safety
Dating safety education should be a critical component of sex education. Should be, but is not! We’re failing younger generations big time. While 30 states mandate some form of sex education, most programs focus narrowly on abstinence.
The result? Children and teens turn to online sources that range from incomplete to dangerously misleading, especially considering the tsunami of misinformation circulating on the internet today.
This educational void leaves most young adults woefully unprepared for navigating intimate relationships safely. Instead, they’re left to FAFO. Sad!
Historical Context: We’ve Always Been Uninformed, But Today’s Risks Are Greater
The United States has never prioritized sex or relationship ethics. This educational gap helps explain our persistently high rates of dating abuse, stemming from generations who:
- Never received comprehensive sex education in K-12 or college
- Enter adulthood without critical knowledge about sexual health risks, consent protocols, or assault prevention
Safety concerns extend far beyond STI prevention. While the “Me Too” movement brought sexual abuse into public discourse, it hasn’t translated into comprehensive education on recognizing the difference between consent and abuse.
Don’t romanticize the past, either. Previously, we didn’t even track statistics on domestic violence or date rape. The government and its agencies simply turned a blind eye to it. For most victims, shame prevented them from revealing their traumas. The rare brave woman who reported sexual violence or rape faced accusations of “asking for it” for wearing revealing clothing or being alone with a man. Back in the day, we didn’t even have the LANGUAGE to discuss these things. Now we do. So why are the statistics still so terrifying?
Sobering Online Dating Statistics
- A Brigham Young University study examining Utah sexual assault cases (2017-2020) found that 14% of acquaintance rapes occurred during first meetings arranged through dating apps.
- Pew Research reports that 35% of digital daters have received unsolicited sexually explicit content, while 9% faced physical threats.
- According to BBC research, 33% of dating app users report harassment or abuse from app contacts, contributing to declining safety perceptions (from 53% feeling safe in 2019 to just 48% recently).
- Nearly 59,000 Americans lost around $697 million to romance scams in 2024 alone – and that’s just the reported cases!
It’s impossible to know if things are really worse today, though. It’s likely that today’s more comprehensive data reveals dangers that have always existed. What shocks me is that we are not doing a good job of TEACHING what we now know! We all– regardless of the type of relationships we seek — need to know the risks of dating in the Internet age.
Moving Forward: Safety-Positive Approaches
The BDSM community has prioritized safety protocols as a core ethical principle for over 50 years. However, even within these communities, safety codes get broken, and learning about safety mechanisms (consent rules, safe words, safe calls, safe signals) is required!
My pen (ok, my keyboard) is my best weapon. In next week’s blog, I’ll explore using safe signals to substitute for safe words when necessary. The final blog entry in the safety series (coming in May) will be a comprehensive analysis of the risks adults face on dating apps, regardless of gender or orientation.
My hope is that this information reaches beyond kink and fetish communities to help adults navigate digital dating with greater awareness of potential risks and practical strategies to protect themselves from those who might cause harm.
image credit: Mark Hang Fung So @ Unsplash.com
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