Did you know that 42% of dating women report they felt pressured into activities they didn’t want? Or that 52.3% of daters reported dating apps exposed them to unsafe dates? As a therapist, I view dating safety as a fundamental part of self-care. After all, what’s the point of keeping your teeth white and following a beauty routine if you don’t protect your essential self?
This post explores why self-protection in dating and relationships isn’t just important—it’s essential.
Self-Protection Is the Ultimate Form of Self-Care
You may not have considered this before, but in a real sense, self-preservation is the ultimate type of self-care. It’s all about guarding your emotional and physical well-being, regardless of the challenges and temptations you face every day.
We don’t realize it when we’re young because we usually have others to look after us. In adulthood, it becomes our responsibility to scrutinize our own choices. If we don’t do our best to develop good dating, grooming, and basic health habits, we are sending the message that we and our bodies are expendable. This also suggests that our self-esteem is so low that we don’t think we matter.
I am here to tell you that YOU MATTER! You are a member of the human family and deserve to lead a whole and long life.
Self-Care Reflects Your Relationship with Yourself
It may not surprise you that people with low self-esteem are the least likely to have satisfying, balanced relationships. Their lack of confidence distorts their attitudes about dating and relationships.
I had a client, I’ll call him Joel, who took high risks every time he sought out sex partners. He’d meet them anonymously, show up at dangerous locations, and excuse them for being verbally abusive until after the date, when all his regrets piled up on him. It was a kind of self-sabotage I’ve seen in desperate people with low self-esteem. He didn’t feel desirable, and never had the confidence to ask people out. He felt the only way he could get traction was to hook up with anyone who agreed to see him. His hunger for acceptance made self-protection a low priority.
Yes, the world can be cruel. People who signal low self-esteem through the way they look or behave often turn others off. On the other hand, predators are drawn to them, as if they can sniff out their poor self-image. Predators realize they can get away with pushing that person around, even hurting them, without penalty.
Whether they are a compulsive risk-taker like Joel, who ignored the potential consequences of high-risk behaviors, or someone so down on themselves that they won’t take any risks, the underlying reality is the same: they don’t feel they deserve to be happy. Their unsafe habits are a projection of how they feel about themselves inside.
To live a rich, whole life, we must invest in ourselves! That requires diligent self-care. Chronic bad choices are a red flag that someone is out of balance, emotionally and mentally.
I think about some clients I’ve worked with who repeatedly make the same bad choices. They can’t control their compulsion to hurt themselves.
Here’s the thing – they don’t believe they can do better, but they can. That’s why therapy exists! It offers a pathway out of one’s inner struggles with shame and self-doubt.
Dating Safety is Self-Care
When you prioritize safety in dating, you’re telling yourself that your well-being matters. You’re setting boundaries that protect both your physical and emotional health. Here are three essential dating safety practices that demonstrate self-care:
1. Trust Your Gut Instincts
Natural intuition about danger is an evolutionary gift, refined over thousands of years. Think of it as an innate personal alarm system. Research shows that our subconscious mind processes danger signals faster than our conscious mind. Listen to your gut when something feels off about a person or situation. It’s not rudeness or paranoia—it’s your inner conscience trying to protect you.
2. Maintain Your Digital Boundaries
In today’s world, dating safety begins online. Don’t rely on dating apps and sites that do not verify identities. Keep personal information private until trust is established — you never know what someone may do with your address or phone number. Never share intimate photos betraying your identity with someone you haven’t met in person.
Remember – anything shared digitally can potentially become public. If you worry about being outed, exposed, or otherwise vulnerable should strangers get their hands on your sexy image or personal details, make sure you don’t share that information until you have good reasons to trust that they will treat your private details with respect and discretion.
3. Require Safe In-Person Dates
First dates are safest when arranged in public places where others are present. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going, who you’re meeting, and establish a check-in time. Some dating apps now offer GPS trackers to share your location with trusted friends during dates. These mapping apps aren’t just for the overly suspicious. They are the practical reality of modern dating. (Read my blog on digital dating safety here.)
Strong self-care includes saying “no” without apology and respecting yourself enough to define and defend your boundaries. Someone who respects you will respect your limits. If they start pushing your boundaries immediately, they may put you in high-risk situations, mentally or physically – big red flag!
Safer Sex is Self-Care
While there is no such thing as truly safe sex, safer sex should always be our goal. The complexity of our erotic needs and desires is wild! Some of us only get turned on by new sex. Some of us love group sex and orgies, where we may not know anyone’s health status. Yes, it may take a little more effort if you enjoy multiple partners. But, of course, it is worth it! It’s a positive sign of your determination to take good care of heart and mind.
Here are four essential strategies to prioritize safer sex:
1. Get Regular STI Testing
Self-care includes regular STI testing, especially when entering new relationships or enjoying multiple, non-monogamous, or poly partners. Current recommendations suggest testing every 3-6 months. Knowing your status isn’t just about your health—it’s about ethical responsibility to your partners and community. It’s on you to monitor your physical well-being and not carelessly pass along an STI.
2. Use Barrier Methods with Strangers
Some of my clients were outright lied to by new partners, who assured them they were STI-free, only to come home with Herpes and other preventable diseases. Condoms, dental dams, and gloves aren’t just accessories—they’re essential tools for self-preservation. Make them non-negotiable with new partners. You don’t know their full history, nor can you predict whether their other partners have been tested! Studies have consistently shown that correct and consistent condom use reduces STI transmission rates by 85-95%. Use them!
3. Understand Risk Levels of Different Activities
Not all sexual activities carry the same risk. For example, you won’t get HIV from oral sex, but you are at high risk if you have unprotected penetrative sex. Educate yourself about the relative risks of different types of intimacy so you can make informed choices. This knowledge lets you create informed boundaries while still getting to enjoy the acts you love the most.
4. Get Reproductive Health Care
Beyond STI testing, rely on doctors who understand your sexual health needs. Don’t shrug off appointments with gynecologists or urologists. Find a doctor you trust and can be frank with! If something doesn’t feel or look right in your erogenous zones, let them know so they can help you correct the problem. This includes mammograms, gynecological exams, prostate exams, testosterone screenings, and other relevant check-ups. Reproductive health is synonymous with sexual health. Don’t cheat yourself out of a healthier life
Informed Consent is Self-Care
As a Femdom, I can’t count the number of times that submissives have approached me saying, “I’ll do anything you want, Mistress.” Really? Will they remove their incisors with pliers? Because if they WOULD, I’d recommend they get therapy asap. Self-destructive bottoms are not my jam. I like them strong and sassy enough to give truly informed consent!
Proper consent forms the foundation of healthy interactions. Here are four essential components:
1. Understand What Genuine Consent Means
Consent isn’t just saying “yes”—it’s saying “yes” with full knowledge and enthusiasm. The FRIES model offers a useful framework: consent must be Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. Each element matters equally. When you require genuine consent in your interactions, you’re saying, “I’m worth it!” (Read my blog on the complexities of consent.)
2. Recognize the Impact of Substances
Your or your partners’ choices may be distorted by substance abuse. That means alcohol and drugs can invalidate consent. Establishing firm boundaries about sobriety protects both you and them.
3. Communication is Key!
Consent isn’t a one-time conversation but an ongoing dialogue. Check in with partners during intimate encounters, be responsive to non-verbal cues, and normalize flexibility. The ability to communicate continuously during intimate experiences is a measure of the mutual emotional intelligence and self-awareness in the relationship.
4. Establish Your Hard Limits
Identify your non-negotiable boundaries in any relationship—casual or committed, vanilla or kinky. I’m not talking about your preferences but your hard limits that safeguard your physical and emotional well-being. Predators naturally avoid people with solid boundaries. Good! That’s exactly where you want to be — unattractive to potential con artists and abusers.
Self-Protection as Radical Self-Love
Self-protection isn’t just practical—it’s courageous. The practices I’ve listed should be viewed as radical acts of self-love in a world that often encourages us to ignore our gut instincts and chosen boundaries. I want you to notice that social norms push us to passively “go along to get along.” That is wrong. That’s exactly the kind of passivity that leads to heartbreaking problems and trauma.
When you prioritize your safety in dating and intimacy, when you put your safety in front of “getting along,” you’re making a powerful statement: “I matter.”
Make a mental (or written) list of your self-protection tools and boundaries. Which areas need strengthening? Where might you be compromising your safety because of insecurities or compulsive habits? What’s one small step you could take today to strengthen your self-protection tool-kit?
The journey toward better self-care begins with small yet significant choices like these. They will make you more confident and show others you are strong enough to fight for whatever you need to keep your mind and body safe. Don’t wait until something bad happens to beat yourself up with “I shoulda/coulda” remorse. Start NOW.
photo credit: Geralt on pixabay.com
