Why do so many relationships encounter serious sex problems?
Usually, it isn’t just one person’s fault. It’s the relationship dynamic that’s evolved between the partners. Even when it’s obvious that one person has “a problem with sex,” the other person could be fostering the sex-negative dynamic and allowing it to become the norm in their relationship.
It can happen innocuously. One partner doesn’t want sex, so the other partner backs off. As one should, of course. If it happens from time to time, that’s pretty normal. (NOTE: partners with sex trauma in their past should not be viewed as “sex negative,” but as victims. Please treat them with ultimate kindness!)
But sometimes it keeps happening — one partner chronically turns down sex, and neither of you fully addresses the subject. Eventually, a sexless relationship becomes normal. The partner who wants sex may unwittingly contribute to sex negativity in their relationship through shame and passivity.
Some people prefer to avoid confrontations. Others try to fix the problem but don’t have the tools to do it. And many of us don’t realize there IS a problem until things get unbearable. At that point, reviving your sex life is a daunting challenge.
As with all things therapeutic, the first step is to examine your feelings and behaviors. Let’s unpack the issues and give you questions to ask yourself to guide you on this journey back to a satisfying sex life.
How Sex-Positive People Spiral Down into Negativity
We all know people who tolerate relationships that don’t fulfill their sexual needs. The sex-positive person will endure for the sake of keeping the relationship or marriage whole. This is especially true when kids are involved. You may even tell yourself it’s better to maintain a sexless marriage than to break up the family. And sometimes that may well be a fact, not a theory.
However, the problem at the center of staying in an unhappy sexual relationship usually means that the sex-positive person settles, bit by bit, into accepting a sexless relationship. They concede to a dissatisfying erotic life rather than doing what it takes to fulfill their authentic needs.
It’s not their fault. They are not blind to their reality. More likely, they just can’t see a way out. They need help and support to recoup their self-esteem and understand that their needs are at least as important as their partner’s.
I once asked a struggling and sexually frustrated spouse, “Why do you think your partner’s happiness matters more than yours?” That question startled them and sank into their core. Later, they told me that this question motivated them to finally move on and find someone who shared their erotic passions.
Sadly, most adults who need help reclaiming their sex lives never get it. There are endless reasons why adults don’t look for help. Some can’t afford it — though all could benefit by finding a community to talk about it.
Others look for help but can’t find the right kind of help. An obvious failure is when the therapist/counselor places the importance of being married above personal happiness (as so many religion-based counselors do). Such a perspective — marriage above personal happiness — defeats the purpose of marriage, which is to create a loving permanent bond, not a dry transactional relationship that looks good in public and feels terrible at home.
Acknowledging Internalized Sex Negativity
It’s time for you to explore your mind. We grow up in sex-negative cultures, where individual needs and desires can be treated as selfishness if not outright sins. Some are so keen on conforming to societal expectations, they lose touch with their sense of self-preservation.
If your partner makes you feel like a freak, a perv, or otherwise too demanding, you will likely spiral down into self-doubt, even self-hatred. Harsh criticism and rejection from someone you love leave scars on the human psyche. They alter our perceptions of ourselves, and not for the better.
You know the old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Not true. Words can break your heart. Criticism and rejection damage self-esteem and make you question your desirability. Painful words reverberate in your brain. They can distort how you see yourself and your right to find your bliss.
Breaking the Sex-Negative Cycle
Sex, like life itself, depends on your ability to face your demons and to learn to preserve yourself. So the first work you need to do is NOT to cheat and find someone else but, instead, to re-examine your own values and how you ended up in this mess.
Six Key Questions to Ask Yourself
Don’t make excuses for them. Focus on yourself with these questions and answer yes or no.
— Did you sign up for a sexless relationship with your partner?
— Do you have an equal voice in your sex life or do you hand power over to your partner (passively, not consensually)?
— Are you ashamed that you need more or something different in bed?
— Do you hate yourself for having a strong libido or wish you didn’t have a kink or fetish?
— Do you think it’s selfish for you to crave joy — and orgasmic sex — in a relationship?
Find Someone to Talk To
Talking with someone nonjudgmental about your problems gives you a chance to think out loud about your situation and the obstacles you are struggling to overcome. Having an objective sounding board who’s outside of the relationship with no agenda can’t be overvalued.
Breaking out of a sex-negative pattern is extremely difficult to do alone even when you physically leave and start a new life with a new person. You may carry the baggage with you from years of sex negativity, so be sure to unpack it before moving forward into a new relationship.
Find a safe space to explore your situation and get feedback on it so you can think deeper, more productive thoughts about your situation and how to change it.
Own Your Sex-Positive Self
If your partner refuses to meet your needs, see a counselor, or negotiate new terms for the relationship, what does that say about them? Who is really “selfish” when it comes to intimacy — the person who expects their partner to do without or the one who needs erotic intimacy to be happy?
Examining your internal life and facing your demons will help you rebuild the self-esteem you lost during a sex-negative relationship. It will bring you to a place where you are finally able to find a path out and make positive changes.
In the next three blogs of this 5-part series, I’ll explain the three actionable pathways out of sex-negative relationships. We’ll look at the why and how of negotiating change, learning to become sexually self-sufficient, and when it is ethical to leave a relationship.
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Read the first article in this series: Sex Negativity in Relationships
