Let’s talk about something important that affects not just the kink community but all intimate adult relationships: the rules and complexities of consent.
BDSM is built on a foundation of mutual consent. While many know the basic concept of safe words, consent takes many forms. It goes far beyond using safe words or knowing how to use kink gear safely. Mutual trust, mutual respect, honoring boundaries, open communication, and fair negotiations are all part of the process of creating a fully consensual relationship.
Read on to learn about the nuanced aspects of BDSM consent and why comprehensive consent is essential for safe, healthy relationships.
Understanding Safe, Sane, and Consensual Practice
It seems simple on the surface: everyone needs to consent to whatever type of sex they will have. This applies to ALL adults, not just kinky partnerships. Fortunately, along with the popularization of kink, our message about consent—in our banner form SSC or Safe, Sane, Consensual—has also spread into the mainstream. Courts don’t always get it right, but at least they take the issue of mutual consent seriously enough these days to consider it a mitigating factor. This is a big step in the right direction.
The problem is that many people who drift around the edges of our world, and some who insert themselves into it, do not bother to spend enough time analyzing the many types and forms of consent.
Consent Betrayed
I once knew someone who had an STI but didn’t think it was necessary to tell their subs beforehand. Would the sub have agreed to penetrative sex if they knew their risk of infection? Likely NOT. Did this top know that they wouldn’t be able to penetrate someone if they announced they had an STI? Likely YES! My client, who seemingly had zero empathy for others, brushed away this “need to know” health info in the worst way, saying, “If they wanted to know, they should have asked.” He put the blame on them—and he is hardly the only top I’ve heard about or met who was dangerously clueless about valid consent.
Where does this willful betrayal of the rules of consent come from? In part from selfishness. In part from the arrogance of believing they are practicing BDSM despite never bothering to get educated on consent. And partly because of social paradoxes in culture.
The Consent Paradox in Media and Practice
When Fifty Shades of Grey was published, there was a significant blowback from the BDSM community. Most pointed to deeply troubling elements in the novel: gaslighting, emotional blackmail, isolation of the partner, and non-consensual acts. The controversy continues to divide readers, with some dismissing concerns as an overreaction to fiction, while others—particularly those active in BDSM communities—see it as a dangerous misrepresentation that normalizes abuse under the guise of kink.
While Fifty Shades isn’t unique in depicting non-consensual scenarios, it raises important questions about responsibility in erotic media. The parallel to safer sex in pornography is striking—producers may skip showing condoms because they believe it reduces viewership and hurts profits. This creates a dangerous disconnect between fantasy and responsible real-world practice. In fiction, no real-life risks are involved. In the real world, a consent failure is physically and psychologically dangerous.
3 Common Misconceptions Among Naive Subs
- The top has more experience and will therefore protect them from all harm
- Dominants are all-knowing and can even read a sub’s mind, so full discussion isn’t required
- They watched or read non-consensual erotica and confused sex fantasies with real-life relationships
3 Common Misconceptions Among Clueless Doms
- Once a sub gives consent, anything is permissible, including pushing them beyond their limits
- Subs exist to serve and, therefore, should have no voice in how they are used
- All subs are the same. Therefore, they should all enjoy the same things, or they aren’t “true” subs
Calculated Risks and Consensual Choices
We have two excellent consent models to describe people who enjoy pushing limits.
RACK
Risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) means the players fully know the risks and accept mutual responsibility if something goes wrong. Both sides usually know each other well enough and have played together long enough to trust that dire results will only come if there is a freak accident of some kind.
RACK is a consent-mandated scenario in which both sides mitigate undesired outcomes as much as possible through pre-negotiation. However, RACK can lead to disaster in the hands of people who don’t negotiate heavily. I recently heard about a top who preyed on naive new subs. He thought that once they consented to serve him, it was okay to push them so far beyond credible limits that some of them were seriously injured. Suffice it to say they never understood the risks and certainly did not consent to injury.
CNC
The Consensual-Non-Consent (CNC) model relies on partners who have already discussed and negotiated boundaries and trust each other enough to play on the edge together without genuine harm. CNC, like RACK, is a complex and heavily negotiated way to get the desired intensity without fearing that things will go too far.
Consent Goes to the Heart of Relationships
As mentioned above, mutual, eager, informed consent should be the basis for all sexual encounters. You can threaten “I’m going to whip the hell out of you” to someone, but if you are actually going to beat them to a pulp, they had better know exactly what you intend to do, or you—and a prosecutor—will be doing the Courtroom Tango together when they sue you for abuse.
More than that, consent applies to ALL sex-related behaviors, no matter how mild.
The following is edited and excerpted from my newsletter:
Oliver’s Story
Oliver, my client, complained his wife was mean. For the ten-plus years he’d been married, he’d been trying to convince his wife to force him into female garb. Putting aside the common kink paradox—that he wanted to be forced to live out his hottest fantasy—he told me he loved wearing women’s panties, garter belts with black stockings, and high heels.
His wife didn’t like his cross-dressing. She didn’t want anything to do with his fetishes. After pressure from him, she grudgingly agreed he could dress when she wasn’t home.
One day, he reorganized her underwear drawer. When she saw what he’d done, she was furious. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t accept his well-meaning organization of her panties.
“What’s the problem?” he said. “She should be grateful I arranged her panties for her.”
The Problem
The problem was she never consented to it. Instead of seeing it as the thoughtful act of a devoted husband, she saw it as an invasion of her private things to satisfy his panty fetish. Which it was, since he then privately admitted to “borrowing” her undies at times.
“I always washed them afterward. She never even knew!” he said, as if that was a reasonable defense of his sneaky habit.
Oliver had repeatedly violated her boundaries. He was blind to what consent means and contemptuous of her “vanilla” identity. Why did he expect her to support his fetish when he stomped all over her right to consent? —
originally published 2/18/2025
Building Consent = Healthy Relationships
Mutual safety and well-being come first. Take time to learn about the depth and nuances of consent. Our community’s emphasis on consent is an intentional approach to fulfilling, safe experiences for everyone involved.
Indeed, the hallmark of all healthy relationships is that they include ongoing communication, trust-building, and mutual respect. Here are four key elements to remember:
- Know the difference between fantasy and reality
- TRUST should be earned, not assumed
- Continuing education on safer sex and kink safety is necessary
- Consent means more than a simple “yes.” It requires conversations on a deeper level.
Ultimately, the foundation of consent is respect—for yourself, your partner, and the relationship you’re building together. Follow the BDSM rules. When everyone’s boundaries are honored, and communication flows openly, trust deepens, and experiences become richer, safer, and more fulfilling for all.
image credit Pixabay
