When I entered the Scene in the mid-1980s, my mentors were obsessed with teaching me the “rules” of BDSM. To them, being a good dominant meant less about consent and communication than it was about striking the right pose and using the correct tools to spank a bottom. I absorbed their teachings like gospel, not realizing I was learning a bunch of harmful myths.
The “One True Way” That Never Was
Here’s some of the nonsense I was taught in 1985:
- Doms shouldn’t fall in love with their subs because it makes them less sadistic
- Subs should avoid using their safe words because they “ruin” scenes
- Male subs were always rich, powerful men who needed to balance their lives by being submissive
- Female subs were “naturally” submissive because, you know, “Nature” — being a femdom was an anomaly or just for money
I could go on, but I’m already aggravated remembering how much garbage I absorbed in my first couple of years!
Why These Rules Were Harmful
I couldn’t follow these rules without creating worse moral conflicts. For example, the cliche that doms shouldn’t love subs because it would make them act “soft.” It took me a year or two to realize that emotionally distancing myself from partners caused more emotional harm than good.
Humans needed aftercare, support, and gentleness. It was hard to let go of the image of dominants as cold-hearted. Roleplaying that image to the maximum was intoxicating for me. However, I never felt entirely at peace with it ethically.
Everything changed when I fell madly in love with a submissive. I realized how dishonest it was to play a role rather than manifest my authentic self. That self was a deeply caring, complicated person who loved cuddling and kissing my sub as much as whipping and binding him.
I’ve seen many tops and bottoms from those days make similar evolutions. They found authentic versions of themselves and changed for the better. Most of the elders I know today stopped trying to emulate fictitious models long ago! All men could not be Tom of Finland characters. All women could not be Pauline Reage’s infamous “O.”
Where Those “Rules” Came From
In the early decades of the BDSM/SM/Fetish/Leather worlds, we had no role models to follow. However, we had many reasons to be closeted, even to our closest friends or spouses. Those were legally dangerous times for kinky people. Clubs and dungeons risked police busts and harassment. The Scene was underground, physical safety was a prime concern and myths about kink spread from club to dungeon to the underground magazines we published.
The rules I learned weren’t ancient wisdom. They were products of the specific kink circles my mentors inhabited! As BDSM grew widespread, many of the old myths and even “traditions” on what “all subs” or “all doms” should do vanished. We evolved toward greater realism and higher goals. People began questioning their satisfaction levels. Can I find love, marriage, and kink in one relationship? Does kink require a poly lifestyle, or can I be monogamous? Can BDSM be a total lifestyle for me, even if that lifestyle doesn’t mean being in role 24/7? Can I integrate SM protocols into my everyday life?
Authenticity: The Antidote to “One True Way” Thinking
After 40 years in the Scene, I’ve learned that “one way” thinking is the enemy of authentic BDSM. The mentors who taught me those rigid rules believed there was only one correct way to be dominant, one correct way to be submissive, one correct way to structure a kinky relationship.
They were SO WRONG.
Consent is required, of course – it applies to every sexually active adult, regardless of fetish or orientation. But equally important is the freedom to be true to your nature within your chosen consent framework.
Kink and fetish aren’t about following someone else’s script or being a clone of fictional characters. They’re about discovering what works for you as an individual. Subs may hate impact play. Dominants may be gentle and nurturing. Some couples switch roles. Master/slave couples may never switch and adore their different roles.
The happiest people I know have figured out what works for them and their partners. They negotiated, communicated, and learned how to navigate their OWN version of kink.
If the BDSM is heartfelt, passionate, and emotionally genuine, that is enough! Your kinks, your boundaries, your relationship styles, your ways of expressing your kinks – those comprise the foundation of your BDSM personality. Authenticity is a kink value! Celebrate it and open your door to greater satisfaction.
photo credit: Warm Orange https://warmorangepictures.pixieset.com/
