When things heat up during intense BDSM play, your ability to communicate clearly can make the difference between pleasure and harm. While safewords remain the gold standard for consent, they’re not always enough. Sometimes you need safe signals in kink.
Imagine these scenarios: You’re immersed in a scene where a gag restricts your speech. Your hearing-impaired partner can’t always pick up your vocal cues. Or perhaps you’ve slipped so deeply into subspace that forming words becomes impossible. What then?
While safewords are the common go-to for stopping kinky activity, there are a lot of reasons why safe signals—non-verbal cues that instantly communicate stop or slow down—deserve a prominent place in every player’s safety toolkit. These alternative signalers are crucial lifelines when safewords don’t suit the situation.
Let’s explore seven different ways you can signal “stop” or “slow down” without saying a word.
7 Types of Safe Signals in Kink
The seven techniques below all work, but you’ll need to adapt based on your type of play. Some will only work for certain scenes. You may need to switch to another safe signal system depending on the bondage style, fetish, or positions you each assume. Just as with safewords, no single system covers all contingencies, so prepare to be flexible!
Non-Verbal Vocalizations
What it is: A pattern of predetermined sounds.
How To: If you can make noise with your vocal cords, words may be replaced with things like loud grunts, whimpers, or even humming. For example, two grunts could mean “slow down,” and three grunts are “stop now.” If you choose to hum, make sure you and your partner agree on the tune. That way, no one gets confused and thinks you’re about to burst into song.
AVOID: Play that obstructs your lips, mouth, or airway (throat or larynx) are off the table. Practice making sounds with your lips and mouth closed to be sure you can be easily heard.
Hand Squeezing
What it is: When you keep your hands close or hold hands for safe signaling.
How To: Assuming at least one of the sub/bottom’s hands is free and can reach one of yours, you can set up your own “squeeze signaling.” Use this technique when both of you can keep a free hand close enough for squeezing. Then set up your system: perhaps twice for “slow down,” three times for “stop.” Use hand squeezing to create nuanced communication during play. Vary the number of squeezes to express different needs, like “slow down” or “stop.”
AVOID: Any play that makes hand signals difficult or impossible. This includes hand/arm bondage, kneeling on all fours, or sensation play where you can’t reach your partner’s hand.
Eye Blinking
What it is: Predetermined numbers of blinks that signal different needs.
How To: Whether you’re wearing a gag or a hood with open eyeholes, as long as your partner is looking at your face and watching your eyes, blinking is another way to communicate silently. For emphasis, squeeze your eyes closed, then open them wide two or three times in a row. Make sure your signal is distinct from natural rapid blinking to avoid confusion.
AVOID: Blindfolds are out. Some hoods too. Spanking and back whippings too, since they are done with the bottom facing away. Your partner should monitor their partner’s eyes diligently throughout the play.
Foot Tapping
What it is: Tapping or stamping feet on a HARD floor (not thick carpet or rubber mat) in a specific pattern.
How To: Make sure that bondage, unusual positions, or physical limitations don’t make it difficult to use your feet. Do it standing or sitting, but ensure you can still stamp your feet to get the top’s attention. Agree to a system of taps so they understand your needs in the moment—two taps for “slow down,” three taps for “stop”and so on. One of my past partners had a fetish for tap shoes. How disappointing that I didn’t combine their fetish with this safe system!
AVOID: Needless to say (but I’m saying it), suspension bondage, BDSM in bed, fisting swings, or any situation where feet don’t reach the floor are out. Soles must easily tap the floor for this system to work.
Finger Signals
What it is: Extending different numbers of fingers to indicate comfort levels.
How To: Negotiate an easy system based on holding up fingers. One finger for “okay,” two for “discomfort,” three for “stop,” etc. Keep it simple—don’t get too elaborate with too many signal variations that someone might forget in the heat of the moment.
AVOID: Anything that restricts your finger movements or where the top can’t see your hands at all times is dangerous. The bottom’s ability to use their fingers within the top’s visual range is crucial. In one of the hottest scenes I’ve seen, a bottom was bound to a board from head to toe, everything heavily tied except for three fingers left free. The top never left their side and responded immediately to signals.
Noisemakers
What it is: Make noise by dropping a hard object, or holding a dog toy that makes noise when you squeeze it.
How to: Any item that makes a loud noise when dropped works. It could be a key chain with keys on it, a set of metal measuring spoons, or even a pot or pan will do the trick. Since dropping an object can only be done once, agree beforehand whether it means a “slow down” or a hard “stop.” You can also use a squeaky toy for pets or plushie lovers. Of course, I’m now imagining a sub using a Wobble Wag Giggle Ball, which giggles when you shake or roll it. Or even sillier, a squawking rubber chicken. Other hilariously effective substitutes include kazoos and blow-out noisemakers.
AVOID: Carpets and rugs muffle noise, so experiment first to ensure the sound is loud enough if you drop an object. Don’t overload the bottom with something so heavy that it might be accidentally dropped. Squeaky toys offer more flexibility as they are lightweight, and can be squeezed repeatedly to signal different needs. Three squawks and you’re out!
Electronic Signals
What it is: Tech devices that alert partners without verbal communication.
How to: As long as you can push a button, you will be able to use some of the simplest of tech toys to communicate safety issues. The current selection of free and/or subscription-based apps, like My SOS Family and Rave Panic Button, is free to download and won’t send your location to first responders, thank goodness. Unfortunately, ratings on both are not optimal, according to Google Play, and some customers find the apps hard to set up.
Although marketed for eldercare, both Evernary Caregiver and Daytech Wireless Pager are wearable devices that adapt to BDSM. They can be worn so you don’t misplace them during play, and only send signals to your designated partner, not to emergency services.
AVOID: Never use a device without testing it first. Some medical alert systems automatically contact first responders, so read product details carefully and avoid 9-1-1 pounding on your door while your heart is pounding with lust.
Stay Safer with Safe Signals
Incorporating nonverbal safe signals into your safety routine can help prevent injury or emotional harm. They will allow for creative communication pathways that are strong substitutes for safewords.
Always discuss your chosen signals with your partner before beginning any scene. Test each signal system listed above to ensure partners are clear on the protocols. Safe signaling is a consent mechanism that allows for a deeper exploration of your boundaries and desires.
Use my guide intentionally, and think about which technique suits you and your partner’s needs best. Whether you are hard-core intense or joyfully lightweight, these are all creative pathways for safer play. Remember that communication is KEY to consensuality in BDSM. Safe signals and safe words are a formula for truly informed consent.
Image credit: Squawking Chicken on Amazon
