Why would you need to know more about staying safe in a relationship that may involve getting tied up and having potentially dangerous things done to you? Oh wait…

Staying safe is crucial in all relationships, but BDSM requires a higher level of safety skills. Sure, you probably already know about safe words and signals. But there’s more to know before you dive into serving or bottoming to someone.

In BDSM Rules: Understanding the Complexities of Consent, I listed three misconceptions subs have about doms, especially early on in their journeys. They are apt to believe that an experienced dom will always protect them from harm. They believe doms understand subs better than they understand themselves and therefore don’t need to have long discussions about what they do. Meanwhile, they may believe kink erotica or porn is an accurate description of how BDSM works. (Hint: NO it isn’t!) Such misconceptions put them at risk of having their safeword ignored and their emotional well-being destroyed.

As someone who’s lived BDSM for 40 years, and who sees the impact of BDSM relationship dysfunctions almost daily in therapy, read on for my short guide to sub-centered safety guidelines.

1. Get Serious About Safe Words and Signals

Safe words aren’t optional – they’re a must for newbies and many experienced folks too! Be smart about choosing a safe word that is:

• Easy to remember and distinctive
• Impossible to misunderstand
• Something you can say even when you’re deep in subspace

Some subs avoid using their safe word because they worry it’ll “kill the mood.” Wrong. Your safe word is there to SAVE the experience from turning into something awful. It tells your partner to slow down or take a breather so you can talk about what’s not working.

Your Safeword Exists to Safeguard You

If a dom ever ignores your safeword, be prepared to shout “stop!” and get out of the situation as quickly as possible. If you’re in a public space, make sure people hear you making a fuss. Someone will likely intervene to help you. Never play again with anyone who violated your safeword!

Remember: safe words don’t just prevent harm. They create a safety net and help us evolve together.

2. Own Your Boundaries

Everyone in power exchange needs to be crystal clear about their boundaries and limits. Be wary of any dom who suggests otherwise.

Red flags to watch for:

• Brushing off or downplaying your boundaries

• “My way or the highway” ultimatums

• Putting you down about your looks, flaws, or safety concerns

Own your boundaries and let your submissive safety skills shine through. Remember, this is a power exchange, not a relationship where one person coerces you into submission and leaves you feeling like a doormat.

Case Study

Louisa was so hot for a potential dom that she tossed her boundaries. aside. She was monogamous at heart, but when he told her he was non-monogamous, she shrugged – convinced he’d eventually realize she was “the one.” Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen. Instead, she spent months being jealous and angry that he never had enough time for her.

The Takeaway

• Stick to your limits – don’t say yes when your gut is screaming no
• Be honest about your feelings instead of pretending everything’s fine
• Remember that submission doesn’t mean giving up responsibility for yourself

3. Enforce Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an essential submissive safety skill, but enforcing those boundaries makes you safer. You can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader and know how you feel unless you consistently stick to your stated boundaries.

Case Study

Ginger didn’t use her safe word during a scene with a trusted partner because she wanted to show off her pain tolerance. When a certain position during anal play felt strangely painful, she ignored her body’s signals. Turns out, the pain came from torn internal stitches from a recent surgery. Ouch. She suffered for weeks, and so did her dom, who felt terrible for causing her harm.

The Takeaway

• Use your damn safe words, even with people you trust completely
• Speak up immediately when something feels off or if the dom is pushing you too hard
• Don’t get so lost in subspace that you ignore what your body is telling you

4. Don’t Comply with Predatory Doms

Submission does not mean surrendering all of your rights. You have the right, no matter how hard-core your play, to refuse to comply with someone who shows signs of being a predator. Submissive protection strategies are required! Be prepared to shut down the dynamic if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

• Stop playing along with them. Just like that. Get out of role and get away from them.
• Block them online and on your phone, and avoid them. You are at risk as long as they have access to you.
• Your full and eager consent is your first priority. If the Dom wrests consent away from you, they are predators.

Case Study

Jeff struggled with a fetish for online FinDoms (financial dominants). Despite setting boundaries in his mind, and then telling a new FinDom contact about his limit, she laughed and said that wasn’t how it worked. So he followed her wishes, assuming it was part of the roleplay. She was the professional, after all. Two hours later, he’d Venmo’d a full month’s monthly wages. He was shocked by how much the dom demanded, since he specifically told her his limit. Yet he never pushed back when they demanded outrageous amounts of money. He got lost in subspace, he said, and felt too weak to resist.

The Takeaway

If Jeff had honed his submissive safety skills, he would have fled as soon as the FinDom dismissed the idea of a limit. Since he didn’t push back, the FinDom may have assumed it was part of his kick to act distraught about the expense. Being forced to overspend is what all money slaves want, right? WRONG. They want what most subs want: the fantasy of total surrender and helplessness, but without real-world harm.

Work on self-boundaries before playing with doms. Anyone who dismisses your right to set boundaries is violating the BDSM code of ethics. BDSM should be exhilarating and fun. It should never destroy a person’s ego or their life outside of kink. NEVER.

5. Ask For Whatever You Need to Feel Safe

Just because you’ve shared your fantasies doesn’t mean everything will automatically go well. Protect yourself by being proactive about:

• Safe words. Ask for safe words or signals if your dom hasn’t brought them up.
• Special considerations for any triggers, traumas, invisible disabilities, and turn-offs.
• Aftercare. If you need it, say so! Don’t play with someone who won’t provide the aftercare you crave.

The Takeaway

The above are the MINIMUM topics you need to discuss before engaging in BDSM with someone new. When a Dom refuses to grant you those safety mechanisms, it’s absolutely your right to refuse to play with them. Should they gaslight you or try to manipulate you into compliance, don’t give in. FLEE! Those are huge red flags that the person is a predator or abuser or both.

Don’t fear rejection from the dom. If any dom rejects you for being well-educated on BDSM safety skills, you should rejoice! They did you a favor by sparing you the heartache of being in a relationship with them. Your safety comes first.

Submissive Safety Takeaway

Personal responsibility in BDSM isn’t about perfection—it’s about careful choices and a firm commitment to self-preservation. Master these safety skills, and you’ll build the foundation for hot, consensual, joyful, and respectful BDSM.

Note on Kink Context

These guidelines are mostly applicable to relationships. Casual connections, such as club play or hook-ups, don’t lend themselves to lengthy negotiations and asks. However, the core principles of consent, honest communication, safe words, and hard limits apply even when things are casual.

photo credit: Succo on Pixabay

Heads Up: In April, I’ll explain a few things about Safe Calls (or what the kids on TikTok are now calling”safety calls”) and how they save lives.