Last week, I wrote about the overwhelming evidence that women’s self-esteem is a topic that should be widely discussed and studied further. As humans, we need to understand why women are so far behind men in self-confidence.
Since I work on the issues in my practice, it seemed only right to share some clinical techniques to help you get on a better path. Naturally, self-esteem doesn’t improve through willpower alone. You need to take steps to boost it!
After all, you can’t passively boost your self-esteem by wishing you had it. You need practical tools that address how you think, how you hold stress in your body, and the actions you take daily to boost your self-image, self-respect, and self-esteem!
To start, try this trio of exercises. Iif you do all three, even better! They will work in tandem to help you build genuine self-worth. Practice them for two weeks and see what shifts.
EXERCISE #1 – COGNITIVE EXERCISE: Who’s Really Talking?
People with low self-esteem don’t realize they’re carrying around other people’s voices in their heads. That critical inner monologue that tells you you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough — it didn’t originate with you. You learned it from somewhere.
DO IT IN 3 STEPS
Step 1: Catch the Criticism
The next time you notice yourself thinking something harsh — “I’m an idiot,” “I look terrible,” “I always mess everything up” — pause. Don’t try to stop the thought or argue with it yet. Just notice it’s happening.
Step 2: Identify the Voice
Now get curious. Does this sound like something YOU would naturally say to others? Why are you so mean to yourself? Are you echoing someone in your past or even your present?
Is this my mother’s or father’s voice scolding me?
Is this an ex-partner who constantly criticized me?
Were any of my siblings or other relatives bullies to me?
Did an old boss, teacher, or other authority figure make me feel bad about myself?
Step 3: Name It Out Loud
Once you identify the source, name it: “That’s what my mother always said,” or “That sounds like my ex!”
Naming can pull that slimy old earworm out of your head. The harsh inner critic isn’t really inner; it’s adopted. It isn’t a product of your authentic self — it’s criticism you’ve internalized over the years.
Stop the voices by shutting them down. Talk back: “You don’t get to tell me who I am anymore!”
How This Exercise Works
You can’t change what you don’t notice. By simply observing and identifying the source of your negative self-talk, you begin to separate other people’s judgments from your own truth. This is the first step toward reclaiming your authentic voice — the voice that is naturally kinder, more realistic, and actually on your side. YOUR voice.
Don’t be afraid to spill a few tears with this exercise. It’s a shock to realize that someone has held such a negative power over your life. But now, at last, you can LET GO.
EXERCISE #2 – PHYSICAL: Body Scan for Stress Release
Your body stores stress in your muscles. A quick body scan helps you notice where you’re holding tension and release it.
How to Do It (1-2 minutes):
Sit or lie comfortably. Close your eyes. Starting at your feet, mentally scan up through your body: feet, calves, thighs, stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, jaw, face.
As you scan each area, ask: “Am I holding tension here?” If yes, take a deep breath and consciously relax that muscle group as you exhale.
Pay special attention to your jaw, shoulders, and stomach — these are common stress storage body areas for people.
Practice: Do this once daily, or anytime you notice stress building. The more you practice, the faster you’ll identify and release tension before it accumulates.
EXERCISE #3 – BEHAVIORAL: Good Little Things Journal
Women often won’t acknowledge their accomplishments. We may rave about kids or romantic partners, but we notice every flaw in ourselves, count every mistake, and are haunted by failures. At the same time, we often shrug off our contributions in life as “not a big deal,” or “plenty of others have done the same or better,” or “it’s what I’m supposed to do!”
This exercise forces you to break that pattern.
How to Do It
You can do this with paper and pen, or on your PC or phone. Just be sure you know how to save the file and find it again. The title is “Good Little Things,” and that’s your focus — all the good little things you do deserve notice!
Every evening, write down one good thing you did that day. It doesn’t have to be impressive. It just has to be something you can feel good about. Right? Good thing you did = good feeling deep down. Express the feeling of feeling good about yourself!
Examples
“I made a nutritious meal tonight, and it made me feel good all over.”
“I was kind to a struggling coworker, and they were so grateful. It pleased me no end.”
“I asked for what I needed instead of staying silent. Bold! Next, I conquer the world!”
“I donated to the local pet shelter. I’m helping to save their lives.”
“I took a walk at lunchtime. It was so beautiful outside, I felt like a kid again.”
“I said no to something I didn’t want to do, and my no was accepted without question. I feel strong and respected!”
The rule: You must acknowledge it as good and write about one good feeling it gave you.
If you can’t identify anything good you did that day, make a short list of good things you will do tomorrow. Then pick one, and do it so you can write about it.
Why This Works
You’re building evidence that contradicts your negative self-image, while developing pride in what you do. Over time, this journal will remind you that you ARE capable, you DO accomplish things, and you have earned the right to love, cherish, and even pamper yourself!
I wish you the best possible journey!
photo credit Khaled Ali @UnSplash
These three exercises are just an introduction to taking power over your life. I’ve created a complete workbook with 10 evidence-based exercises to build lasting self-esteem — cognitive, physical, and behavioral strategies that have worked wonders in my clinical practice.
Get all 10 exercises for just $1.99 in the new Pleasure Literacy Emporium. Download, keep it forever, and start building the confidence you deserve.
