*”When to End a Sex-Negative Relationship” is the last part of a 5-part series.*
- Sex Negativity in Relationships
- Confronting Internalized Sex Negativity
- Negotiating a Sex-Positive Dynamic
- Self-Pleasure is Sex-Positive
- When to End a Sex-Negative Relationship
If you’ve read through the four preceding pieces (linked above) and nothing has worked it’s time to consider ending your sex-negative relationship. As hard as it may be to face, a sex-negative relationship seldom heals itself. The healing process requires intense guided work by a trained professional to sew up the wounds it inflicts. It also requires an earnest commitment by partners who are equally committed to improve their relationship. It means self-growth, naked honesty, and change.
Is it worth it? YES. It’s worth it because your life is worth living to the fullest.
Sex Matters
People will say “sex doesn’t matter if you love each other.” This is not true for adults who crave physical intimacy.
On the science end of things, there is substantial research on the importance of human orgasm to health and longevity. Since the brain and body are profoundly interconnected, sexual rejection sends stress chemicals into your body, raising your health risks and lowering your immunity.
Psychologically speaking, chronic sexual rejection from your partner can send shockwaves of sadness and stress through your brain, altering your perceptions of life. It may diminish your sense of self and make you feel undesirable, not only to your partner but to everyone you meet. When a partner removes sex from the romantic equation, it’s hard to feel optimistic about life. You may ignore your needs and channel your energy into other areas of life, but, ultimately, that does not solve the existential problem.
Sex-negative relationships are not benign unless BOTH parties have explicitly consented to it. It isn’t enough for one person to say “I don’t want that” if the other one still dreams of a vibrant sex life, or has kinks or other unconventional desires they crave to fulfill.
On the other hand, if your partner has sexual trauma or a disability that interferes with sex, be patient with them. Gently nudge them to discuss their problems with a therapist. Sympathetic counseling can work! I’ve helped several people overcome trauma-based dysfunction enough to build intimacy skills with their partners. I’ve seen some of those disheartened couples move forward to have the babies they once only dreamed about.
In some cases, though, the lack of a sex life may still be a good enough reason to move on, particularly if your partner tries to control or negate your sexuality.
Perspectives on the Sex-Negative Relationship
Cheating Is Not An Answer
For a lot of adults, having secret sex is the answer. The problem is that it isn’t a real answer to anything. It just opens more questions.
A more ethical path is to confront your problems. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, if you can’t get your erotic needs fulfilled, it may be time to go. That means bracing yourself and doing what needs doing to end the relationship and find one that will fulfill you. One way or another, leading a double life is an emotionally brutal way to live. Solo-sex is the safest way to cope. Extra-marital relationships include risks that can ruin lives and lead to emotional disasters.
A Permanent Relationship is a Contract
Whatever type of relationship you are in, once you make it permanent, you should consider that to be a contract — whether or not there is a signed marriage license.
For example, when a BDSM person tells their permanent partner they’ve lost interest in being dominant or submissive, consider it a broken contract. They’ve decided BDSM is not for them, which is fine for them but a betrayal of the contract. Leaving you high and dry is unfair. Friends and mentors will likely advise you to leave the relationship and look elsewhere. Why? Because part of the lure of the relationship was a mutual interest in kink. If the kink is removed, without negotiation or consent, it breaches that implicit contract.
Similarly, your marriage license and wedding vows are your contract to one another. Chances are you would not have said “I do” if you knew it meant future celibacy. Understanding that they violated their contract with you may help you build resolve to leave.
Do You Want a Sexually Fulfilling Life?
Perhaps you have been willing to put up with a sexless life. As you read this, please ask yourself honestly if you are ready to do so for the rest of your life. Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend to hear what they have to say about it. Do you agree with them? Are your own sex-negative feelings holding you back?
If you are a sex-positive person, it’s natural to want sex to be part of your life. Leaving isn’t selfish. It is you being true to yourself. Don’t shame yourself into staying. Don’t stay because you feel guilty. You have good reason to leave behind an unhappy relationship. Your partner’s sexual abandonment qualifies as “irreconcilable differences” in a court of law.
Good Reasons to Stay
There may be good reasons you want to stay in a sexless relationship. Children, family, mutual property, and financial dependency, are usually at the top of the list for adults. Or, you may be in love with your partner and can’t imagine life without them.
This is your conscious choice. Many people make that choice because they know that divorce could upturn their lives and hurt people close to them. If that is your choice, learn how to live with it. Don’ fall into anger. Reread my article on self-sufficiency. Carve out a way to get sexual relief that is no-risk, no-lies, and self-empowering. It won’t be perfect but it can preserve your family and financial stability.
Five Signs It’s Time to End a Sex-Negative Relationship ASAP
Sometimes you HAVE to leave.
One of my clients, I’ll call him Harry, was endlessly bullied by his wife for his fetish. She used every ugly word in the dictionary to shame him. When she found his toys or caught him looking at porn, she exploded in rage. It took him over a decade to leave her because she had convinced him that his fetish made him unlovable, less of a man, and that she was the only person who would tolerate a husband like him.
I knew there was someone out there who would love him precisely because he was kinky. Sure enough, after he finally ended the marriage, he found a woman who loved his fetish as much as he did. Now he knows what true and complete love is like.
Abuse is the game-changer that should tell you it’s time to go, no matter the difficulty. You deserve more out of life than to be rejected, bullied, and treated like a degenerate by your partner. If your partner shows signs of toxic sex negativity, it may poison your view of yourself. Indeed, it may poison your perspective on life altogether. Chronic sexual disappointment is a hard pill for humans to swallow.
5 Signs of Toxic Sex Negativity
Bitterly sex-negative behaviors are symptoms of deeper problems. Learn the signs that your relationship isn’t just sexless, but that it’s sexually toxic.
- Do they act as if you are a villain for wanting more or different sex?
- Do they spy on you? (Take your phone, check your computer, monitor your phone calls?)
- Do they shame you or make you feel guilty for your needs?
- Do they make cruel comments that make you feel unattractive or unlovable?
- Do they make rules about your sex life without your consent or feedback?
Abusers are people who use intimidation to get what they want. And what they want is to control you like a puppet on a string. It is, at best, a terrible way to live, and, at worst, a way of life that will cause you physical and psychological harm.
Knowing When to End a Sex-Negative Relationship Saves You
If you’re the victim of abuse, the right time to end a sex-negative relationship is AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. It’s unlikely things will ever get better. You are on opposite sides.
I highly recommend you find a personal therapist, not a couples’ therapist. You need to work on your own issues, including why you have accepted a life of sexual abandonment and psychological abuse. Only when you feel stronger within yourself will you be strong enough to move forward to a happier, more peaceful place. A therapist, whether in private or a group setting, will help you to understand more about yourself. Most importantly, they can help you appreciate your value as a human being who deserves to be “loved, honored, and respected.” Every human deserves those things in their permanent relationship.
Perspectives on Navigating the Sex-Negative Relationship
Over these past five articles, we’ve discussed improving and dealing with the sex-negative relationship from a number of angles. I hope that if this has been an issue for you, you’ve got some new insights that you can take action on to improve your sex life.
If you need something more than what you can get from a series of articles, I’ll be accepting a few new clients for one-on-one help when I return from vacation starting August 15th. Email me and we’ll see if we’re a good fit.
Please Note: the blog and newsletter will be on hiatus from August 5th to August 15th, 2024.
