Excerpts from
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WOMEN WHO RUN WITH DOGS
Author's Notes on WHERE THE BOYS ARE
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Excerpts from
In late 1995 I was contacted by an editor at Avon asking whether I'd be interested in writing a dating guide for their Cosmo Books series. I figured it would be a very tame project and I was hard at work on a very wild novel so I declined. But by 1996, when said novel was being rejected for being TOO wild and rent money was at a record low, she called again to see if my feelings had changed. Amazingly, they had! Inspired by ongoing cash-flow problems, I'd had a startling epiphany: "Gee! PAYING WORK! What a concept!"
To my surprise, the experience was lots of fun. My editor, Nancy Kalish, was a sweetheart. Avon/Cosmo gave me carte blanche to write it in whatever tone I preferred (I preferred caustic) and allowed me to include some off-beat features. It also gave me an opportunity to share tidbits from my frighteningly vast store of dating and relationship disasters. What writer can resist the temptation to WRITE WHAT SHE KNOWS?
My only real complaint was that Avon/Cosmo rejected my title. I wanted to call it THE MANHUNTER'S HANDBOOK. That is far more descriptive, since the guide takes a no-nonsense, brass-tacks approach to all the intricacies of meeting a man, from developing unsentimental strategies to catching a live one to deciding what to wear--plus straightforward advice on the astonishing assortment of mating and dating services out there. My personal faves: a New Age dating service which offers "psychic mule barge" singles events; and a dating consultant who bills herself as "Mensch Finder."
But my title suggestion didn't tickle the fancy of our Ur-Editor and Fairy Godmother of All Cosmo Girls, Ms. Helen Gurley Brown. On the other hand, I was able to pay my rent. So thanks anyway, Helen.
Now, in Spring 1997, WHERE THE BOYS ARE is finally hitting bookstores and I thought I'd give my cyber-readers some tasty snips from its pages. I like to think of this selection as Women Who Run With Dogs (with apologies to Bobo) since, well, let's just say I've dated some howlers in my time... I'm including my "Ten Dead Giveaways That Prince Charming is a Frog," a short list of common frogs women are likely to hop across in the dating pond. The second one, "Reading the Signs: The Do's, Don'ts--and Dangers--of Dating On-Line," is must reading (if I do say so myself) for women who are making romantic connections on the Net.
Happy reading! And if you'd like to know more about buying the book or reading excerpts in print, just CLICK HERE
Into every life a little rain must fall--and into every woman's life a frog will leap. More than a few of us have come to a first date expecting to find a heart-throb, and have gone home with only a pounding headache. Unfortunately, women seem to have a hormonal need to make excuses for men's quirky behavior. Perhaps this is a survival trait for our gender.
Nonetheless, save your mercy for the men you marry and remain skeptical about the ones you meet on blind dates. Knowing how to spot the warning signs of frogdom right away is the best way to protect yourself against future disappointment.
Here is our list of ten dead giveaways that your Prince Charming is actually an amphibian in disguise.
He says he wants to meet you but he has absolutely no ideas about where to go or what to do. He shows up empty-handed and unshaven, wearing whatever he found lying on top of the clean laundry pile, he has to clear all the empty six-packs from the front seat of his car for you to squeeze in, and his number one question all night is "So whaddya wanna do next?"
What does this say? It should tell you that he either is brain-dead or that he is a selfish swine who has not devoted any time to planning out the date or trying to think of what might please you. Men like this never get better: you can expect them also to forget birthdays and anniversaries--and don't expect flowers or presents on Valentine's Day either.
We all have them but most of us have the common sense to indulge them only in total privacy. Men who feel comfortable enough to share their own weird personal quirks or intestinal gases with you on a first date are either such delightful iconoclasts that you can forgive them; or such unmannerly boors that you might as well prepare now for a lifetime of picking up their rancid socks from the floor. In fact, for some men, disgusting personal habits are almost a badge of pride--that beer-scented belch isn't a belch at all but a sign of their membership in the tribe of men.
Many of us, of course, see most men as in need of some domestic training. But why settle for a handywoman's special? If their mothers were unable to instill good habits in them, you probably won't be able to do a better job.
One of the results of women's growing marketplace equality is that we have had to give up one of the perks of traditional femininity: getting the men to pay for everything. Still, though we now expect to pay our own way (at least some of the time), it is a good idea to avoid men who grip a dime just a little too tight.
If your date studies the food bill as if it were his bank statement, and then insists on splitting it down to the exact penny, raise an eyebrow. If he consistently asks you to contribute more than your half share, raise two eyebrows. If he asks to borrow money or tries to make you pay for everything, raise Cain.
Now, it is perfectly acceptable to pay for a man IF that was your agreement going in, or even if you feel spontaneously generous. But let that be YOUR decision, not his. Men who are stingy with you when it comes to money will probably also turn out to be stingy with other things--like emotional support, affection or sex.
We all make mistakes or say silly things, particularly when we're under the pressure of meeting someone for the first time. But begin lacing your Nikes if the stranger you're with shows signs of oddly disjointed speech or sociopathic behavior. Did he tell you on the phone that he has 3 sisters, whereas he now claims he has only brothers? Did he say he has a great relationship with his mother and talks to her regularly--only to inform you over dinner that she died three years ago? Are there odd gaps in his history which could be explained by extended stays in places with bars on their doors and windows?
A certain amount of eccentricity is entertaining. But if your date's facts don't add up, or if he starts telling you about the time he woke up on an operating table in Roswell, New Mexico....RUN!
He knows everyone and everyone knows him. He's been everywhere and, while he was there, he did everything. He's phenomenally successful--and a genius too! In fact, he is working on a sensational idea which will make him a millionaire one day very, very soon. It's only by the sheerest of coincidences that he's never been more than 50 miles from Newark, has no friends, can't hold a steady job and lives off his invalid mother's social security checks...and, by the way, could you pay for dinner, since his companionship is well worth the price of the meal?
Or perhaps everything is just grand. He is successful and strong, and seems perfectly stable. He takes your hand and gazes tenderly into your eyes across the candle-lit table. And then he romantically whispers, "You're getting a really huge pimple on your chin. Did you know?"
What mad scientist created this strange species of clueless men who seem to be cloning about us with reckless abandon? We don't know. What we do know, however, is that if he SEEMS deluded or completely unaware of the effect his words might have on you, then he IS deluded and unaware--and not likely to change.
This is the 90s. We're all in a rush. That said, beware of the man who always has his eye on the clock. If he is rushing you through the first course as he glances at his wristwatch, either he is having a bad time or, more likely, he has another appointment on his mind. Natural female curiosity may compel you to ask why he is anxious to know the hour: natural male stupidity may compel him to confess he's hoping to catch the last innings of a ball game on TV. Are you ready for a lifetime of standing out in left-field?
If he offers an acceptable excuse, be gracious and cut him some slack--we all occasionally are trapped by that demon, time. But if he gets embarrassed at your question, and stumbles through a weak alibi, he is trying to hide something--possibly a wife and children who are expecting him home for dinner that night.
Meanwhile, if YOU find yourself glancing at your wristwatch counting down the minutes until you can leave, then the time for you to leave has already come.
Wendy went on a date with a successful psychiatrist who placed his cell-phone and beeper on the table, and proceeded to take phonecalls throughout the meal.
"The way he stuck all his gadgets on the table between us, I kept wondering if he was trying to put up a barrier between us. If he was, it worked," Wendy says. By the time dessert arrived, he had committed two people to institutions and Wendy was ready to go to one.
Is your date more interested in playing phone-tag with his office than in maintaining a conversation with you? Unless you have also thrown your gadgets into the ring, ask yourself what kind of a man invites you out only to ignore you? Wait, we'll tell you: a jerk.
We all want an affectionate man. We want him to fall head over heels in love, to shower us with attention and demonstrate in dozens of romantic ways that we are the apple of his eye. But do we want it on the FIRST date?
There is a breed of men who, for reasons known only to themselves, feel it is their moral obligation to behave as if every new woman they meet is the only one they love.
Yes, there is such a thing as "love at first sight." It could happen to you. But generally speaking, if fifteen minutes into your date, he says things like, "If you play your cards right, you could be the next Mrs. Whoever-I-Am" or "I've been looking for a girl like you all my life!" it's time to ask yourself whether you are indeed the Queen of the Universe, able to inspire abject worship at the drop of a hat (perhaps you are, you vixen!); or whether this guy is softening you up for a sexual pass. Not that we would doubt you, dear reader, but the latter is, in all probability, the correct answer.
One thing you can be sure of: you aren't the first and will not be the last woman he has said these things to. Some men (and we know this will come as a shock to you) will say ANYTHING to get laid.
You say potato, he says potahto; you say tomato, he says tomahto. Even worse, he tries to make you pronounce it HIS WAY. Our advice: call the whole thing off.
Unless you are seeking a Svengali, beware of men who try to prove to you first that they are intellectually or otherwise superior, and then attempt to re-educate you to their liking.
Listen for such telling statements as "I know what you need." They may sound comforting on the surface (after all, we are looking for someone to fulfill our needs), but the underlying logic is that you are the Galatea to his Pygmalion, and the reason that you need him is because he thinks that you need him to change your life.
Could anything be wrong with a man who craves to give us complete sexual satisfaction in bed? Yes: he could tell us all about it in vivid language on a first date.
While sexually explicit language is not automatically the sign of boorishness it once was, most of us do not particularly wish to listen to a man extol his oral sex skills over an introductory meal.
This is really a case of "don't tell me, show me."
But before you let him--are you supplied with enough disinfectants to kill every disease known to mankind? Let's face it: the man who boasts that he is an expert at tantric tongue techniques probably hasn't been hiding his gift from the world all these years, has he?
Before you get seriously involved with someone you meet on-line, read this section for tips on the perils of cyber-relationships. In our opinion, cyber is actually no more dangerous than reality--as we know all too well, women are fooled every day in real life by con artists, gigolos, liars, and dogs. However, cyber presents DIFFERENT dangers than reality. You may not have to worry about direct sexual contact, for example, but you DO have to worry whether someone is representing himself accurately to you. To avoid a disastrous liaison, take our advice and learn to read the signs below.
GOOD SIGN: After a few exchanges, he volunteers his full name, home and work numbers and possibly his address (or company name).
THE REASON: He sees you as a real person whom he thinks he may want in his real life. He trusts you enough to know you won't abuse the information, and feels comfortable about letting you know him better.
BAD SIGN: He asks you for some or all of the above, but makes excuses for why he can't provide you with same. OR he only gives you a post office box address or a voicemail number. THE REASON: There are a lot of married men out there. Need we say more? If a man is seriously interested in dating you, and is free to do so, he has no reason to conceal this information from you, particularly if he is requesting such details from you.
GOOD SIGN: He reassures you that he will wait until you trust him enough to give him your personal information.
THE REASON: He is taking your feelings into consideration. Men know that many women are nervous about meeting strangers through this medium. The nice ones will give you a chance to get to know them and will give you their info first, as a goodwill gesture.
BAD SIGN: He insists that you give him your phone number and address right away.
THE REASON: He is trying to bully you into a relationship. He apparently feels that if you DID get to know him, you wouldn't GIVE him that information. If he feels that way, so should you: don't let ANYONE talk you into revealing where you live or work until you have good reason to believe he can be trusted.
GOOD SIGN: He offers to send you a current photo of himself.
THE REASON: Another point in his favor, on the honesty front. Be he handsome or plain, if he is willing to put his ego on the line by sending you a photo, he certainly is sincere.
BAD SIGN: He makes excuses for why he can't send you a current photo.
THE REASON: He is not who he says he is.
Take a tip from Lillie who had TWO bad experiences before deciding she would never date anyone she met in cyber until she was sure she had a current photo. "I met one man through the on-line personals who seemed very sincere and nice, but in his email he said he was in his early 50s but looked in his 40s. Then we met and it turned out he was in his 60s--and looked it!" Lillie insists that his age didn't bother her as much as the fact that he lied. "I understand why he did it, but I figured that if he'd lie to get me to meet him, he'd lie about other things too."
The second experience, though, upset her. "I met him in IRC and we flirted for a while. Then he emailed me this nude photo of a GQ-model type! For weeks I kept writing him email, joking, 'Is this really you? Nobody's this good-looking!' I'm not really that looks-conscious, but his picture blew my mind." The man assured her that it was him, though he said it was taken a few years previously, and that he looked a little older now.
The romance soon was hot and heavy. They began talking on the phone nightly and, after a few weeks, planned their first big night together.
When Lillie arrived for their meeting, however, she was shocked. "I don't think it was even him!" she wails. "Or if it was, he had changed so much that he should never have sent me that picture in the first place. He was NOTHING like the photo and, in fact, he didn't even act the way he did on the phone either. He had said all these romantic things on the phone but when we met it was obvious he was just looking for sex. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I left early and never talked to him again."
GOOD SIGN: He asks to meet you in live chat.
THE REASON: This is usually considered the next friendly step in communicating after either an email exchange (if you met through an ad service) or a public discussion (if you met on a UseNet board). The typical cyberlove progression is message exchange, live-chat, then telephone, then a real-life encounter.
BAD SIGN: He tells you that he doesn't want you to let anyone else in a live-chat area or on a discussion board know that you are having a cyber-affair.
THE REASON: He is trying to hide something. It could be that he is simultaneously romancing other women from the same areas (as happened a few years ago on the select network, "The Well," when a man was discovered to have been dating 15 women all at the same time, while swearing to each that he was monogamous). Or it could be that he already has a bad reputation and is afraid that if you tell people you are involved with him, they will give you details of his sordid past. Whatever the reason, if he is trying to prevent you from talking to others, show him the cyber-door.
GOOD SIGN: After a few weeks of on-line flirtation, he begins talking about arranging a meeting.
THE REASON: He is beginning to make plans for your relationship and is thinking ahead. He is also politely accepting the responsibility of being the one to "make the first move."
BAD SIGN: After many months of flirtation, he is STILL talking about meeting--with no precise date in sight.
THE REASON: If he isn't married, then he is either involved with someone else, ambivalent about you, or he finds it more convenient to keep you inside his computer where he can turn you on and off with the power switch--or possibly all three. Don't be gullible. Once your connection is made in cyber, your relationship should proceed like a normal one, with in-person contact to be a logical next step.
EVEN WORSE SIGN: He begins making plans to see you after talking to you only once or twice.
THE REASON: He is desperate. If he tries to convince you to see him, avoid him completely. Mainly men like this are young and eager (not to mention horny), but their haste can mean your waste. Never bend to pressure when a CyberRomeo tries to talk you into a meeting that you feel uneasy about.
GOOD SIGN: He writes you sweet love-notes every day.
THE REASON: It means he cares and that he wants to let you know that you are often in his thoughts. Rosemarie says that she looked forward to getting Cal's daily "good morning" and "good night" notes--even though most were only one sentence long. "That was more than enough to let me know he missed me, which is all I really wanted to hear," she says.
BAD SIGN: He writes you sweet love-notes 20 times a day.
THE REASON: He's obsessed. He may not be dangerous, but he certainly isn't very stable. If he's overly prolific occasionally, chalk it up to amorous exuberance: but if obsessive letters are a habit for him, drop HIM like a bad one.
EVEN WORSE SIGN: He vanishes for periods of time without explanation.
THE REASON: Women cite the sudden disappearances of cybersweethearts as the number one cause of heartbreak on-line. There is no one reason why people drop out of correspondence--it may be that they had a personal or professional crisis. But, alas, more often, it's simply because they're insincere.
This medium allows insincere and cowardly men simply to vanish into the ether at whim, without fear of being traced. If all you have is an email address, you really are left empty-handed. It is most typical for people to use handles (so you can never be certain you know their real names); and unless you already know his name and the city he lives in (and unless he is listed), you have no way of locating him. Women report feeling abandoned, betrayed, and emotionally devastated when men they corresponded with for months suddenly stop writing, without explanation.
"We wrote each other for three months, constantly," Amanda says bitterly about a man she met on CB-Simulator. "We were finalizing plans to meet, in fact, I'd already made hotel reservations for us, at his suggestion. Then, suddenly, he stopped writing. I got frantic. I thought he had died. All I had was a post office address, no phone number, nothing. I knew he lived in Chicago, but when I called information, he wasn't listed! Finally, after about two months of sending him email and letters to his post office box, asking what was going on, I heard from him. He wrote and said he was sorry, but he had gotten married!" She still feels distraught over her lack of judgment. "The whole time he was making plans with me, he was engaged to her!"
Our tip: Be a little less trusting of men on-line than you would be of ones you meet in reality. Try not to get too emotionally involved with a man until you've moved BEYOND cyber to phone-calls or other, realer forms of contact.
Also, beware of sudden unexplained absences during your correspondence (is his wife reading over his shoulder? is his girlfriend in town?). And if a quibble or a serious question from you results in a long silence on his end, be cautious: if all it took was a slight amount of pressure to make him to vanish for a few days, what would happen if you had a real disagreement? Would you ever hear from him again?
GOOD SIGN: In addition to regular conversation about daily life, he loves to tease you and exchange naughty fantasies with you.
THE REASON: He's got some life in him. With morals generally looser in cyber, it's common for email romancers to be freer with their words and affections on-line than they would be off. A little healthy flirtation is a good sign that he has romance in mind.
BAD SIGN: Sex is the main topic of his conversation. Or, put another way, all roads lead to his penis.
THE REASON: He likes you but his hormones are slowly destroying his powers of reason. He may still be interested in a long-term relationship, but you can already guess where the emphasis will be. Hint: not your mind. On the other hand, every cloud has a silver lining: men like this are much easier to lead around since they come with their own handles.
EVEN WORSE SIGN: Sex is the ONLY topic of his conversation.
THE REASON: He doesn't see you as a real person but as a fantasy facilitator. Test him: try to turn the conversation to other topics and see if he has anything interesting to say about them. If he keeps trying to steer it back to sex, don't hesitate to take the bull by the horn and break it off.
DANGER! DANGER! THE WORST SIGN OF ALL! He wants to talk to you about sex but he won't give you any personal information about himself and is always vague when you ask about meeting.
THE REASON: You're being played for a fool, girlfriend. He has no intention of seeing you, but has found a cheap and convenient way to get his rocks off, with the added satisfaction that you are a "nice girl" who's giving it away for free rather than the phone-sex operators he was spending his money on last year. As soon as your feelings grow serious, expect him to sign off forever.
copyright © 1997 Gloria G. Brame
brame@gloria-brame.com