Gloria talks to members of DomSubNation

edited transcript of live-chat
held on February 6, 2001

Last week, I had the pleasure of speaking with a wonderful group of people. Below is an edited transcript of the chat log. Hope you find the dialogue as stimulating as I did!

Thanks to....
PureDevlfor going above and beyond to get me into the overpacked AOL room!
MelodiousAsh for the warm invitation
the other kind hosts and members who made me feel so welcome.

Special thanks to SteelSkys for allowing me to excerpt this from her terrific newsletter.
Learn all about it at: SteelSkys Classy Ladies BDSM

PureDevl: first of all i would like to welcome Gloria Brame to the discussion
PureDevl: and thank her for being so patient in her attempts to get in to
PureDevl: receive her adoring fans
PureDevl: I also want to thank VelvetRose, and SteelSkys for all the help they have given
PureDevl: DomSubNation in seeing that this took place tonight

SteelSkys: Thank you, Devl.. Dr Brame, Ma'am

R0SEvelvet: :-)

Subtle Kysses: ahem...Devl stole my macro

PureDevl: Jenna will post some rules and then Gloria you can give a little back ground on yourself please?

Subtle Kysses: ok, here goes

DrGloriaGBrame: (Will do, PD)

Subtle Kysses: Please respect DSN protocol by typing a C for comment and
Subtle Kysses: a ? for a question when there is a topic running. Your name
Subtle Kysses: will be called in the order in which the monitor sees questions
Subtle Kysses: and comments appear. If for some reason the monitor misses
Subtle Kysses: a name or comment, please let them know by IM. If a question
Subtle Kysses: is asked of a specific person, that person will be called upon
Subtle Kysses: to answer before we move on to the next topic so that we can
Subtle Kysses: avoid confusion.
Subtle Kysses: When you are done with your question, comment or Subtle Kysses: statement, please type DONE so that the monitor can call the next person.
Subtle Kysses: We will try to get the chat log for this conversation posted to
Subtle Kysses: the message boards on the DSN website at
Subtle Kysses: www.domsubnation.com as soon as possible. =)
Subtle Kysses: If you or someone you know would like to be added to the
Subtle Kysses: mailing list for these discussions please email Melodious Ash
Subtle Kysses: and ask to be added. To be added to the mailing list for our
Subtle Kysses: new E-zine, "A Captive Heart" please send email to subscribe-heart@domsubnation.com
Subtle Kysses: While I have the chance, I would like to thank the Velvet Rose Group for the use of this discussion room. For more information about their group, please email TheVelvetRose1@aol.com.
Subtle Kysses: I would also like to thank Steel Skys of the Steel Skys Classy Ladies BDSM Newsletter. This newsletter is for anyone
Subtle Kysses: interested in the BDSM lifestyle. For more information or to
Subtle Kysses: join her mailing list, please email SteelSkys@aol.com.
Subtle Kysses: ET is my backup...any questions please IM her and not me. I'll be busy :)
Subtle Kysses: done

DrGloriaGBrame: I guess it's my turn, then?

PureDevl: your turn. lol

DrGloriaGBrame: OK! :-) First, thanks everyone for showing up!! And for your patience in...
DrGloriaGBrame: waiting until I could squeeze into the room. What a CROWD! (blush!)
DrGloriaGBrame: I haven't prepared any formal comments, since I assume people probably came with...
DrGloriaGBrame: lots of questions of the "I always wanted to ask you this" variety....
DrGloriaGBrame: (at least I hope so!). But for anyone who's not already groaningly familiar...
DrGloriaGBrame: with me and my work: I was lead author of DIFFERENT LOVING: The World of Sexual...
DrGloriaGBrame: Dominance & Submission
DrGloriaGBrame: my new book is COME HITHER: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex....
DrGloriaGBrame: I've been out in the lifestyle (as a player) since the mid-1980s. In 1987, I established...
DrGloriaGBrame: the first on-line SM support group on Compuserve; these days I offer services and guidance..
DrGloriaGBrame: through my website, gloria-brame.com, a free resource for the pansexual kinky communities.
DrGloriaGBrame: I was awarded a doctorate in clinical sexology in 2000, which accounts for the Dr in front
DrGloriaGBrame: of my name: but, I prefer folks to call me by my first name. Keeps it friendlier.
DrGloriaGBrame: Finally...I have 2 dogs. I think that about covers the truly important details of my life.
DrGloriaGBrame: :-) Very done.

PureDevl: Gloria can you tell us a bit about how you have seen the roll of D/S change within
PureDevl: the internet since the early 80's and do you see the change as being good or bad or having
PureDevl: no effect on the community in general?
PureDevl: Done.

DrGloriaGBrame: Sure, Pure. First, there was no Internet in the 80s; only BBS's and a handful....
DrGloriaGBrame: of companies like Compuserve, the Source, etc. PCs were still NEW.
DrGloriaGBrame: I joined an SM bbs in late 1985: it was " a friend of a friend" who told me of the BBS.
DrGloriaGBrame: It was a small tight community in the 80s (of people on-line talking about kink)...
DrGloriaGBrame: and I do mean SMALL--no more than a few hundred people nation-wide, I'd say.
DrGloriaGBrame: But IMO the emergence of the Net has completely and totally transformed D&S...
DrGloriaGBrame: socially, politically, and every other way. Now it seems MILLIONS of people
DrGloriaGBrame: every day are talking about/writing about SM on the Net.
DrGloriaGBrame: done
DrGloriaGBrame: Oops! Let me add something...
DrGloriaGBrame: I think it's BOTH good and bad that this has happened...but mostly VERY VERY GOOD.
DrGloriaGBrame: done now (sorry)

GypsyRedHd: Thanks for coming, Gloria :) Other than your own works (excellent though they are!) what do
GypsyRedHd: you suggest as a path for someone exploring this area?

DrGloriaGBrame: I think that SCREW THE ROSES is a very good book for het couples who'd like...
DrGloriaGBrame: more info on how to play, and what to expect. It has a sense of humor, which really helps!
DrGloriaGBrame: done

Drexxie2U: Gloria, with all the internal politic in the groups as of late, how do you see the community
Drexxie2U: Groups such as TES, Janus,, Black Rose..
Drexxie2U: The intolerance of who's kink is better seems to be widen more then bringing the community
Drexxie2U: as whole together since the internet
Drexxie2U: done

DrGloriaGBrame: Thanks, Drexxie. First, internal politics in SM is nothing new. In the 15 years....
DrGloriaGBrame: since I first became aware of organized groups, I've seen a steady stream of...
DrGloriaGBrame: leaders come and go, and organizations evolve beyond anything the originators intended....
DrGloriaGBrame: Personally, I don't believe there ever was a golden age of SM, when all we pervs...
DrGloriaGBrame: somehow got along better or had higher ethics or purpose...
DrGloriaGBrame: and just because it was a smaller community didn't mean it was a more tolerant one.
DrGloriaGBrame: For example, the so-called "Old Guard" of leather had its own elitist problems...
DrGloriaGBrame: they didn't welcome women in their ranks, they tended to be racist, and so on.
DrGloriaGBrame: In terms of tolerance of diversity, I think the people least like to be tolerant...
DrGloriaGBrame: are the ones who are newest to the Scene and the most insecure about their own needs.
DrGloriaGBrame: If you can feel threatened by someone because he likes to wear a dress or a diaper....
DrGloriaGBrame: or because she prefers only to be sub in the bedroom and not anywhere else in her life....
DrGloriaGBrame: then obviously you are either dogmatic and think the whole world should be just like you...
DrGloriaGBrame: or you are insecure and get nervous around people who are different....
DrGloriaGBrame: because you are afraid of your own differences. That's my opinion. done

SteelSkys: Relationships I was in before, SteelSkys: we knew we had a "kink" but... I
SteelSkys: had never heard of Ds/BDSM
SteelSkys: until I was on AOL...I also feel SteelSkys: many have "came out" since the
SteelSkys: internet because they have
SteelSkys: found others also with the same
SteelSkys: interests. There are so many just
SteelSkys: on my list alone...they have the
SteelSkys: "kink" but no idea about
SteelSkys: Ds/BDSM...and I see it all the
SteelSkys: time with people being added to
SteelSkys: a simple mailing list. I guess had
SteelSkys: it NOT been for AOL, I would
SteelSkys: have never known what it was
SteelSkys: "about me". I guess all of this
SteelSkys: was a bit late huh? But I already
SteelSkys: had it typed :) :: wink ::
SteelSkys: ;) Done

DrGloriaGBrame: LOL! No problem, Steel.
DrGloriaGBrame: Steel, IMO, D&S impulses are normal, and infinitely more common than anyone admits...
DrGloriaGBrame: it takes a special commitment, or a special need (or maybe just a lot of free time on your
DrGloriaGBrame: hands ) to go out and explore the organized Scene, or to hook up on the Net...
DrGloriaGBrame: but watching the awesome explosion of kink on the Net has told me that...
DrGloriaGBrame: there are A LOT MORE PEOPLE LIKE US out there, who will never be on-line...
DrGloriaGBrame: never show up at dungeon parties, never have contact with other SMers.
DrGloriaGBrame: done

SteelSkys: yes Ma'am but what might be
SteelSkys: "normal " to one in a
SteelSkys: relationship, may not be
SteelSkys: "normal" to the partner in the
SteelSkys: relationship
SteelSkys: done

AnimaIsPride: Thank You Gloria, may I asked why you
AnimaIsPride: decided to not "play" any longer in the life
AnimaIsPride: style? I hope I worded that correctly.
AnimaIsPride: or should I say be a player?
AnimaIsPride: done

DrGloriaGBrame: What? What do you mean by this, ET?
DrGloriaGBrame: What do you mean by "player"

AnimaIsPride: in your opening statement
AnimaIsPride: I was just using your words
AnimaIsPride: I didn't know what you meant by player either

DrGloriaGBrame: I'm a bit confused--where was this statement?

AnimaIsPride: hold on let me paste it

DrGloriaGBrame: Maybe I commented someplace that I don't play casually anymore?
DrGloriaGBrame: IOW, I don't play with people I don't know (unless it's a fund-raiser type of thing).

AnimaIsPride:DrGloriaGBrame: I've been out in the lifestyle (as a player) since the mid-1980s.
AnimaIsPride: I think this is where I got confused.

DrGloriaGBrame: I've been "OUT" (as in out of the closet)!
DrGloriaGBrame: Not as in "out of commission" LOL!
DrGloriaGBrame: I've been an out-of-the-closet lifestyle SMer since the 80s.

AnimaIsPride: okay, now I understand (sorry for the mix up)

DrGloriaGBrame: No problem.

AnimaIsPride: Thank you Gloria, I thought I misread it as well. Thank you for the clarification .

DrGloriaGBrame: But I believe I have said in other places that my preference is for partners...
DrGloriaGBrame: I know and care about. The thrill of fresh meat faded some time ago :-) done

Franetta: i have belonged to Nomdenuit for over 3
Franetta: years. i'm very out with my lifestyle choice
Franetta: to my friends and even some of my
Franetta: coworkers. i want some of my family
Franetta: members to understand what i'm doing.
Franetta: that it pleases me and serves my needs.
Franetta: i'd like to hear suggestions on talking to
Franetta: them about it.

DrGloriaGBrame: Franetta, not to plug my book (AHEM! ) but Come Hither has a section on coming...
DrGloriaGBrame: out to family and friends, and whether it's appropriate.
DrGloriaGBrame: I am generally in favor of people coming out to close family members....
DrGloriaGBrame: If you are the type of person who's never kept secrets from your family...
DrGloriaGBrame: you shouldn't keep BDSM a secret either. However, you do need to at least...
DrGloriaGBrame: try to prepare them, and not just spring it on them.

Franetta: i'm pretty assertive in my public life and
Franetta: when i tell them, they assume i'm a
Franetta: domme. i'm feeling hesitant to tell them
Franetta: i'm a sub
Franetta: i want them to know i'm not sick. you know?

DrGloriaGBrame: I'd develop a different plan for each family member...
DrGloriaGBrame: for example, a sister or brother will react differently from a mother or father...
DrGloriaGBrame: or cousin or aunt.....
DrGloriaGBrame: with a sibling who has shared many other big secrets with you...
DrGloriaGBrame: you may be able to use the Internet to explore and explain it.
DrGloriaGBrame: I would like to mention that I recently established a BDSM message board...
DrGloriaGBrame: on my site. It's free to all, and we keep the discussion at as high a level as possible.
DrGloriaGBrame: I hope it can be useful to folks as a teaching/learning tool.

Franetta: thank you. i'll check it out.

DrGloriaGBrame: Anyway, Franetta, it really shouldn't be hard for them to understand...
DrGloriaGBrame: that a person who IS so much in control and so assertive in the day-to-day...
DrGloriaGBrame: would find some measure of bliss in being able to surrender control to a trusted partner.
DrGloriaGBrame: Ask yourself this question: do *you* feel any conflict or sense of duality....
DrGloriaGBrame: about being sub when you're dommy elsewhere? Chances are your fears...
DrGloriaGBrame: that they will be shocked (or possibly respect you less somehow?) may have...
DrGloriaGBrame: more to do with your own feelings about your role, than theirs..
DrGloriaGBrame: they, after all, are presumably fairly clueless: it'll be your job to educate them.

Franetta: yes, but how do you tell your mother you
Franetta: can't sleep unless your Master has cuffed
Franetta: you to the bed? lol

DrGloriaGBrame: Franetta, hmmmm. :-)
DrGloriaGBrame: Would you want to tell your mother, say, if your vanilla hubby wouldn't let...
DrGloriaGBrame: you go to sleep until you sucked him off?
DrGloriaGBrame: SM is like any other type of sex: why one would discuss its details with a parent...
DrGloriaGBrame: is something I have to wonder about. :-) done

LaEnigmaMs: Gloria...what made you decide to write the 2nd book and what are the main differences
LaEnigmaMs: between your first book and the new one?
LaEnigmaMs: Also, how long did it take to write each of them?
LaEnigmaMs: (done)

DrGloriaGBrame: LaEnigma, asking a writer why she decided to write another book....
DrGloriaGBrame: is like asking a mother why she decided to have another child. I can give you...
DrGloriaGBrame: a long laundry list of reasons but the fact is...I WANTED TO. :-)
DrGloriaGBrame: The two books are very different. Different Loving attempts to be as objective as possible...
DrGloriaGBrame: and to report on the SM subculture of the early 1990s. (We wrote the book between...
DrGloriaGBrame: 1990 and 1992; it was first published in 1993)....
DrGloriaGBrame: I was lead author with my husband Will and Jon Jacobs....
DrGloriaGBrame: Come Hither is a much more personal work, in which I attempt...
DrGloriaGBrame: to answer all the big questions that readers/visitors to my site have posed over the years..
DrGloriaGBrame: while DifLove reported, Come Hither advises, entertains, and basically...
DrGloriaGBrame: offers a very commonsensical point of view on all aspects of kinky sex.
DrGloriaGBrame: DifLove, I think, makes a good background history, and provides a complex context...
DrGloriaGBrame: for "what it is that we do;" Come Hither is much more nuts and bolts...
DrGloriaGBrame: and contains personal anecdotes and reams of my personal opinions on ethical BDSM. done

Health DSN RN: [Dr.] Gloria, DL has become one of 'THE' handbooks for many (kudos!)...
Health DSN RN: In looking for info on/for the handicapped in the lifestyle, I have found...
Health DSN RN: topical (tho well written) basic essays. Would you know of any
Health DSN RN: in-depth writings, or plan such yourself? uh oh, prodding the writer?
Health DSN RN: Thank you so much +||;)
Health DSN RN: done

DrGloriaGBrame: Health, first, I'd like to agree with you that there is a lack of solid writing on...
DrGloriaGBrame: disabled sex in general, and disabled SM in particular! I do offer some links...
DrGloriaGBrame: in my kinky links catalogue, in the BDSM Community Resources section....
DrGloriaGBrame: I think at least one site and one mailing list is listed there....
DrGloriaGBrame: Under "special interest groups"

Health DSN RN: And I may email the links freely to others?

DrGloriaGBrame: Yes, Health, absolutely: it's a free resource.

Health DSN RN: Thank you again!

DrGloriaGBrame: Meanwhile, I try to write what I know: and I don't know enough about the issues...
DrGloriaGBrame: in the handicapped community to call myself an expert....
DrGloriaGBrame: however I'd like to recommend one more important resource...
DrGloriaGBrame: namely a section in my BDSM chat board devoted to "Special Needs"...
DrGloriaGBrame: we've had contributions from people there grappling with issues like diabetes,
DrGloriaGBrame: post-polio syndrome, deafness, etc. It is a very supportive environment.
DrGloriaGBrame: All are welcome.
DrGloriaGBrame: To find my message boards, visit Board Policies. done

DragonOfStorm: Dr Brame, You mentioned before that some have a "My kink is better that your kink" mentality.
DragonOfStorm: How do you best address, and educate those that
DragonOfStorm: have such an "elitist " attitude?...
DragonOfStorm: I have met both new and old in the lifestyle that have such an attitude
DragonOfStorm: and it does affect some that are new and learning. Done

DrGloriaGBrame: Dragon, I'd like to comment first that personally I don't see that as an "elitist" attitude.
DrGloriaGBrame: I see it as a "stick up the butt" attitude. :-)

DragonOfStorm: lol

DarksSavageFire: lol

DrGloriaGBrame: Anyway, Dragon, look: just as we know that the people most likely to be homophobic...
DrGloriaGBrame: probably are repressing homoerotic feelings...and that the people who seem...
DrGloriaGBrame: to get most pissed off at us "perverts" are the ones we can tell are bursting with kinky
DrGloriaGBrame: needs...I have to say that people who show that elitist attitude do so because...
DrGloriaGBrame: they are deeply insecure in their own sexuality.
DrGloriaGBrame: Objectively speaking, why is wearing a corset to produce a 13" waist...
DrGloriaGBrame: any more or less kinky than wearing 7" ballet boots or having needles inserted in your...
DrGloriaGBrame: nipples or pooping your adult diapers or enjoying a good caning?
DrGloriaGBrame: Objectively speaking...you just can't place those on any kind of moral scale.
DrGloriaGBrame: So I suppose that if I met people who behaved as if their fetish was "better"....
DrGloriaGBrame: I'd either shrug them off and walk in the other direction...
DrGloriaGBrame: or I would challenge them, with the hope that I could open their minds a bit. done

DragonOfStorm: Thank You

Mistress Catz: if a Pro Domme has a client in session and that client passes what should she do?

DrGloriaGBrame: "What to do if a client drops dead??" (OH MY!)
DrGloriaGBrame: I presume Ms. Catz raises this issue because of the tragic situation in MA....
DrGloriaGBrame: where a prodom and her boyfriend hacked up the body of a client who expired during a session.

Mistress Catz: yes and also cause if it happens what do you do with him in a dungeon scene

DrGloriaGBrame: My first bit of advice is: DO NOT HACK UP YOUR CLIENTS!!!!

SilkenDesire: OMG

DrGloriaGBrame: (Just had to get that one off my chest! LOL!)

SteelSkys: LOL

DarksSavageFire: lol

DrGloriaGBrame: The prodom was a total LUNATIC! What was she thinking????

GypsyRedHd: Oh geez LOL

DrGloriaGBrame: If, God forbid, a client should expire or fall unconscious, CALL 911! IMMEDIATELY!
DrGloriaGBrame: If your hands are clean--meaning you did not just electrocute the poor SOB!---

DarksSavageFire: omg

SteelSkys: :x

DrGloriaGBrame: you have NOTHING to fear: at very worst, perhaps, your business being closed down.
DrGloriaGBrame: But if there is a death, it must be properly investigated by the authorities...
DrGloriaGBrame: otherwise, like that dunderhead prodom, you will be under a veil of suspicion...
DrGloriaGBrame: as a murderer! done

Mistress Catz: that's what I thought
Mistress Catz: one more please

DrGloriaGBrame: Yes, sure.

Mistress Catz: as a domme I can have as many subs/slaves as I want, right?
Mistress Catz: Where can I find a writing on this to show to a slave of mine

DrGloriaGBrame: Technically.
DrGloriaGBrame: LOL! OH MY. I see (rubbing chin).
DrGloriaGBrame: I think I actually may have written about this in Come Hither...
DrGloriaGBrame: here's my take on it, in a nutshell: a dom can do whatever the hell she or he pleases...
DrGloriaGBrame: including being polyamorous or anything else...
DrGloriaGBrame: AS LONG AS THE SUBMISSIVE AGREES TO IT FROM THE OUTSET!

LaEnigmaMs: (amen)

DrGloriaGBrame: In other words, it's your responsibility only to select partners who are...
DrGloriaGBrame: comfortable with such an arrangement. If you consciously deceive....
DrGloriaGBrame: or otherwise omit the fact that you're the nonmonogamous type to someone who...
DrGloriaGBrame: thinks he or she will end up in a cozy dungeon built just for two...
DrGloriaGBrame: I see that as highly unethical. If however you explain YOUR rules, whatever they may be...
DrGloriaGBrame: and a sub, of adult age, freely consents, and understands the terms....
DrGloriaGBrame: then GO TO TOWN, SISTER! :-) I am a non-monogamous spirit myself. done

MaidensWhisper: I am dealing with a situation personally where i
MaidensWhisper: have been brought into court over the custody of
MaidensWhisper: my one year old son and his father has petitioned
MaidensWhisper: the court to have full custody and me only have
MaidensWhisper: SUPERVISED visitation and the reason being is
MaidensWhisper: that im a submissive.. may i have a few helpful
MaidensWhisper: hints as what to do and say to the courts to show
MaidensWhisper: them im not sick or that im not going to abuse my
MaidensWhisper: son? my child's father has repeatedly said that im
MaidensWhisper: "into" S&M and he says that my son is going to
MaidensWhisper: be subjected to abuse and I am an unfit mother
MaidensWhisper: so i am unable to have my son now because of
MaidensWhisper: it..any hints?( i hope i stated this clear enuf)....
MaidensWhisper: thank you.. done

DrGloriaGBrame: Maiden, my heart goes out to you. That's a terrible situation. :-(
DrGloriaGBrame: What kind of an attorney have you hired? If yours has never handled such a case...
DrGloriaGBrame: I'd recommend you check out Race Bannon's excellent resource...
DrGloriaGBrame: Kink Aware Professionals. They list kink-friendly attorneys. And that is...
DrGloriaGBrame: exactly what you need, the sooner the better: STRONG LEGAL ADVICE.

MaidensWhisper: that is just it-- finances are a major problem .. i
MaidensWhisper: HAD a very good attorney who is a Dominant..
MaidensWhisper: but due to his own circumstances.. he has to
MaidensWhisper: give up my case

DrGloriaGBrame: Then you need to find another. Have you tried the ACLU?>[? MaidensWhisper: yes and they turned me away

DrGloriaGBrame: I know that the ACLU in MA got involved in the Attleboro raid/scandal...
DrGloriaGBrame: I would suggest you contact your local ACLU chapter and see if they will help you.

MaidensWhisper: they were the ones that turned their backs on me
MaidensWhisper: unfortunately

DrGloriaGBrame: The ACLU turned you away?

MaidensWhisper: yes Ma'am

DrGloriaGBrame: On what basis?

MaidensWhisper: in a nut shell-- they pretty much said that my
MaidensWhisper: case wasn't high enuf profile for them to help me with

DrGloriaGBrame: Maiden, then I'd suggest you do your best to spread word throughout the Net...

MaidensWhisper: but how?
MaidensWhisper: without compromising my privacy as well as my family ( and
MaidensWhisper: My Masters privacy) how can i go about doing this

DrGloriaGBrame: trust me, you're not alone: a lot of SMers are dealing with similar, heart-breaking problems
DrGloriaGBrame: I would recommend that you begin by placing a plea for help/info on any BDSM mail- lists
DrGloriaGBrame: you belong to; ask trusted friends to do the same

MaidensWhisper: i have done that as well. . i have gotten no responses

DrGloriaGBrame: you can do this all under your handle.
DrGloriaGBrame: OK. Next, try the National Leather Association. They provide a lot of...
DrGloriaGBrame: different services (support/legal info) through their website.
DrGloriaGBrame: done

MaidensWhisper: great-- i will look it up tonighty
MaidensWhisper: tonight.. sorry

DrGloriaGBrame: Tonighty works :-)
DrGloriaGBrame: Any more questions? I thought perhaps we might wrap up in the next 15 minutes or so?

MaidensWhisper: my attorney has given me a notice he is dropping my case as
MaidensWhisper: of 3/1

DrGloriaGBrame: What part of the country are you in MW?

MaidensWhisper: im in central PA

DrGloriaGBrame: Ah. Sorry. No contacts there. done

MaidensWhisper: thank you -- you have given many things to work on already
MaidensWhisper: :)) done

DrGloriaGBrame: (MW, a final word...
DrGloriaGBrame: make sure you can prove that you don't let BDSM interfere with your child-rearing abilities.
DrGloriaGBrame: and that the kids would never have access to videos/toys/etc. Those are the...
DrGloriaGBrame: things the courts worry about.) done

MaidensWhisper: im so far in the closet in my "nilla" life i have to
MaidensWhisper: look out to see the hangers LMAO

DrGloriaGBrame: PERFECT! LOL!

Greywlf41: Gloria, what do you say to people that BDSM or Dom/Sub is just another form of abuse?

DrGloriaGBrame: I say that that's like saying that intercourse is another form of rape.
DrGloriaGBrame: It's all about intent and consent.
DrGloriaGBrame: If BDSM is done to harm someone, and is done against his/her will, then it's abuse...
DrGloriaGBrame: if it's done to bring mutual pleasure, with mutual consent, it's a normal and legitimate...
DrGloriaGBrame: expression of human passion. done

Greywlf41: thank you done

SubTazzie: Ok, Hi Gloria..i have heard comments from
SubTazzie: time to time about child abuse and the fact
SubTazzie: that a sub or slave likes to be beat or
SubTazzie: humiliated etc.. Do you find any truth in this?

DrGloriaGBrame: No, Tazzie. And indeed I can support my position with data...
DrGloriaGBrame: my PhD project was a demographics survey of BDSMers and I asked questions...
DrGloriaGBrame: about child abuse. About one third of respondents said there had been some...
DrGloriaGBrame: abuse in their childhood homes; however, if we are to believe the other stats on...
DrGloriaGBrame: dysfunctional and abusive homes, that is LOWER than the vanilla average.
DrGloriaGBrame: Go figure. ;-)
DrGloriaGBrame: You can find the results of my survey at:
DrGloriaGBrame: gloria-brame.com/domidea/survey.html
DrGloriaGBrame: Again, a free resource for the community. Also the largest survey of its type...
DrGloriaGBrame: about 7000 people participated. done.

SubTazzie: thank you :) i'll have a look. done.

DrGloriaGBrame: One of these days, Tazzie, I'll upload the lecture I gave about my results (for my phd).
DrGloriaGBrame: in which I analyzed the results at length: but I think the stats speak for themselves :-) done

SubTazzie: i'd be interested in reading that :)

FoxyNfine: Please forgive my intrusion, but this link may be of help to MaidensWhisper.
FoxyNfine: The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

WanabeDom: Thanks... Was interested in your views on SM activism and its assumption that
WanabeDom: 'acceptance' is an agreed goal? What do the 'fringe' players risk in marketing BDSM
WanabeDom: to the masses? Done

DrGloriaGBrame: Wana, good question! Actually, that issue remains VERY controversial...
DrGloriaGBrame: I mean, most of can agree that we don't want to be victimized by the government...
DrGloriaGBrame: or risk losing our job, families, etc., because we're into SM...
DrGloriaGBrame: but a vocal contingent of SMers do still feel we are safer and have a better...
DrGloriaGBrame: chance of preserving leather culture if we do NOT try to pander...
DrGloriaGBrame: Working towards acceptance usually does mean making compromises...
DrGloriaGBrame: particularly in terms of "sanitizing" aspects of BDSM to make it more palatable...
DrGloriaGBrame: for general (vanilla) consumption.
DrGloriaGBrame: Personally, I think the truth should always be told, and should be told plainly.
DrGloriaGBrame: So I'm all for acceptance...but on our own terms. done

ArtemusGWWW: Where, in your experience, is the line most often blurred between dominant and submissive?

DrGloriaGBrame: Artemus, could you expand on that question a bit? Blurred in what respect?

ArtemusGWWW: Specifically, in what the dominant wants and the submissive wants?
ArtemusGWWW: done.

DrGloriaGBrame: You mean where is that right balance?

ArtemusGWWW: Exactly..done.

DrGloriaGBrame: IMO, a dominant should have a clear vision of what kind of relationship he/she wants
DrGloriaGBrame: and expects. The submissive too should have a vision, although perhaps less clear :-)
DrGloriaGBrame: By this I mean: part of a dom's job is to introduce the sub to new experiences...
DrGloriaGBrame: to take the person beyond limits the sub originally may have had...
DrGloriaGBrame: to open new doors and to basically call the shots and set the tone...
DrGloriaGBrame: The submissive should, I think, first know that he or she is submissive, i.e.,....
DrGloriaGBrame: is motivated by a genuine desire to serve and obey. One of the biggest problems...
DrGloriaGBrame: I see in D&S relationships is that neither side really know what they (as individuals)
DrGloriaGBrame: want and, more importantly, what they can handle. A whole lot of submissives...
DrGloriaGBrame: THINK they want, for example, a lifestyle arrangement...until the dom gives them... DrGloriaGBrame: orders they don't like.
DrGloriaGBrame: Similarly, there are doms who throw themselves into the dom role feverishly...
DrGloriaGBrame: LONG BEFORE they deeply consider the responsibilities that go along with dominance.
DrGloriaGBrame: I've often said that if SMers worked as hard on their mental skills as their motor ones...
DrGloriaGBrame: the Scene would be a happier place....
DrGloriaGBrame: I think that if you really know WHO you are and WHAT you want...
DrGloriaGBrame: the balance is natural, a yin and yang. It involves, of course, COMMUNICATION...
DrGloriaGBrame: a willingness to address issues, a commitment to making it as perfect an SM...
DrGloriaGBrame: relationship as you've dreamed of it being. Work, in other words.
DrGloriaGBrame: It's not an overnight process. But it's such a rewarding one. done

ArtemusGWWW: Thank you, Dr., a very lucid response. done.

SubTazzie: A lot of submissives and/or slaves i know
SubTazzie: have problems with having patience(myself
SubTazzie: included) what do you suggest to help learn
SubTazzie: patience. Is this related to selfishness?
SubTazzie: Can patience be learned? done

DrGloriaGBrame: Yes. PATIENCE CAN BE LEARNED!
DrGloriaGBrame: Impatience is a behavioral pattern, which probably has a lot to do with...
DrGloriaGBrame: your ability to handle frustration as a child, and your caretakers' ability to deal with
DrGloriaGBrame: your frustration. The same techniques you'd use to de-stress in other circumstances...
DrGloriaGBrame: (yoga, breathing exercises, etc.) can be helpful.
DrGloriaGBrame: I'll add that I think we SMers may be particularly prone to impatience.......
DrGloriaGBrame: not only because we're all so oversexed (wink!)....

SubTazzie: well i am in good company then LOL

DrGloriaGBrame: but because we have (drum roll): CONTROL ISSUES LOL!

Newie4Now: hee hee hee

DrGloriaGBrame: Impatience is really about lack of control, right?
DrGloriaGBrame: You can't force that damn supermarket clerk to work faster so you can be done...
DrGloriaGBrame: you can't make that civil servant wake up long enough to stamp your form...
DrGloriaGBrame: and you can't get your dominant to whip you when you want it!
DrGloriaGBrame: WHICH IS *now*!
DrGloriaGBrame: As in RIGHT NOW! ;-)

SubTazzie: lol so very true

SilkenDesire: lol

DrGloriaGBrame: I know you subbies :-)

Drexxie2U: LMAO..

SubTazzie: actually yesterday is more like it

Hardowner: lol

DrGloriaGBrame: Yeah, and unfortunately, a lot of doms can wait until next week, Tazzie LOL!
DrGloriaGBrame:(looking at time) So--have you all used me sufficiently to feel a warm glow spread over you now?

Subtle Kysses: Gloria, I'd just like you to know I am up to 37 IMs from people who
Subtle Kysses: could not get into the room tonight. lol

SubTazzie: thank you Gloria!

Mistress Catz: Gloria do I get my question answered I need to say good night

DrGloriaGBrame: Catz, oh sure, why not. Go for it.
DrGloriaGBrame: After all, you all did agree to contribute $500 per head to my favorite charity, right?
DrGloriaGBrame: (hey--you didn't expect me to leave tonight without at least one good group mindfuck, didja?

SteelSkys: LOL

DrGloriaGBrame: (there's my reputation to consider, after all!)

CoverMeSoftIy: laughs out loud

SloSurrender: lol

Mistress Catz: I asked about a sub having a Master and a Mistress

Subtle Kysses: Devl has some things to say before we end this discussion

Mistress Catz: and Master is long distance

PureDevl: Gloria?

DrGloriaGBrame: Pure?

PureDevl: id like to thank you once again for coming tonight and i hope you will return again some
PureDevl: time to speak with us again :o)

DrGloriaGBrame: Oh, Ms. Catz, sorry...
DrGloriaGBrame: no, I don't think there's any way to objectively assess what's healthy and what isn't...
DrGloriaGBrame: health, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Some people can only be happy...
DrGloriaGBrame: serving a Master, some a Mistress, some need a couple.
DrGloriaGBrame: The trick to enjoying and celebrating YOUR sexuality is figuring out...
DrGloriaGBrame: who you are and what's right for you and those you love. It isn't a mystery...
DrGloriaGBrame: it's just a lot of work. :-) done.

Health DSN RN: Thank you so much for your precious time and wisdom shared, [Dr!] Gloria

PureDevl: its been an honor to have you here

Mistress Catz: that's what I thought Gloria
Mistress Catz: thank you

DrGloriaGBrame: Thanks you guys!!! What an awesome group you are!

Greywlf41: thank you Gloria

PureDevl: its been great and once more thank you Steel and VelvetRose :o)

Drexxie2U: Thank you Gloria for an enjoyable evening

SmellyKatP: thank you gloria

SubTazzie: thank you Gloria! :)

DrGloriaGBrame: These are some of the best, most educated questions I've ever received in a chat!

SloSurrender: Thank you Ma'am

MaidensWhisper: yes.. tank you SOOOOOOOOOOO much Ma'am :)) Mistress Catz: good night from Fla

DrGloriaGBrame: An honor to be here.
DrGloriaGBrame: Thank you all again. This was a delight.
DrGloriaGBrame: Bye to all now.