oceanluvr1219 2001-05-07 19:27

Just my usual ponderings

Today at work I was again filled with tremendous doubt about whether or not I am truly submissive by nature or if it is just the fantasy of being spanked and taken care of. I rationalized that since I have had these feelings since I was about 16 or so and up until I began to manuver my way around the net it was just that......a fantasy. Now, however, thanks to the internet other ideas have permeated my mind telling me that "this is the way to go" or " yes, that's you, that's your personality. That's what you truly want and where you truly belong." But is it really? Or is it just the power of the net?

 I looked around me at work today. I watched as woman talked to neighbors and friends etc and discussed normal everyday things. I remembered when I was like that and had no thoughts about submissiveness, no thoughts about being dominated, of finding someone who would care about me enough to discipline me, to see me as a lady and also as a woman who finds pleasure in pleasing him. A man who would always have my best interest in mind as well as his pride in me. As you can see by my description of my marriage I hardly chose that type of person but rather someone who needed me and depended on me, abused me both verbally and emotionally....at times physically.

Is it the power and knowledge found on the net that sparks my obsession? Are my desires really just fantasies that should go no further? I have no idea. I remain confused even with all the reading I have found here online.

Is it just the knowledge that you aren't alone that sparks your obsession? i heard a quote long ago, which i'll have to paraphrase. The idea was that one's convictions are strengthened 1000-fold when one other person agrees with them. It's hard to feel alone; now that you know you aren't, maybe you feel freer to actually 'fess up to your feelings.

Dear Oceanluvr,
I can both top and bottom, but I don't truly consider myself to be either dominant or submissive. That may change, as I grow as a person. Remember, a label of any sort is a description of who you are. No label can wholly define you. ;) Rather than deciding what you are, and trying to "fit" into a box, perhaps you can go ahead and figure out what interests/doesn't interest you, what you do and do not like? I suspect that even the most dominant Dom/mes and the most submissive subs don't think about BDSM 24/7!

I think that before you worry about the BDSM factor, you need to resolve your personal situation. It is unacceptable for your husband to abuse you. Whether he, or another, is your partner is exploring your sexuality, you need to try to find a healthy dynamic for *you*. Perhaps marriage counseling can help things work, perhaps not. Trying to get involved with your fantasy man *while* you are struggling with an abusive marriage is one of the worst things that you can do, IMHO.

Opalescent Dreams,
Thank you again for your words of encouragement and insight. I apologize if I wasn't clear in my first posting here. Actually, I believe my marital status info was in my introduction in the New Members Board. I left my husband 17 mo ago. I walked out while he was at work. It took years of struggling with the "what ifs" and guilt before I was able to walk past the fear and out the door. During my 31 yr marriage I was in therapy more times than I care to remember. One thing that I have recently realized is......now that I am no longer in that relationship, no longer focused on the things we focus on in an abusive, co-dependant relationship.....now it's me I have to deal with. It's sort of scary and overwhelming to feel all these feelings that were buried for so long. Needs and desires never realized or paid attention to are popping up all over the place. It's important to me right now to slow down, know myself, train my thoughts and in general just plain "chill". These thoughts of submission etc though they are not constant thoughts or an obsession just won't go away. It almost seems like the harder I try to push them away the more they persist.

Well, it's a little after 10am here in upstate ny and since we hardly see clear skies and sun I am going to take this body of me to the park and tan for awhile. You never know, I could meet a loving dominant male who just happens to like women who tan in parks at 11 am.:-)

Me
I have a young face
And old eyes.
Experience and innocence clash,
And then subside.
I am contrasts
And contradictions;
Melding certain logic
With gauzy intuition.
I am delicate
Yet very strong.
Impulsive, while patient
All day long.
I am the master
And the slave
More and more,
I am what you crave...
5/1995